right now, i am sitting on one of those swivel chairs that you put by the computer desk. yes, i am cross legged. i feel like that's the obligatory 'its-11:22-at-night-and-im-being-casual-and-just-thinking-about-life-and-listening-to-music' sitting position.

these days, i have had a lot of time to just be. i mean, i've finished high school, and i find myself aimlessly wandering around the house with nothing to do before uni starts.

however, here are a few things i've been thinking about. they mean something to me.

// my friends.

for once in a long time, i am feeling like i somewhat relatively belong in a group of people. i feel like i have a family within them. and i feel like that was such a hard thing for me to allow into my life, considering previous experiences with friendship groups that have left me, and also left my heart to just lie on the road like a lil sad void (if you're wanting a nice comedic image with dark humour value)

// missing my friends.

on the days where i am at home doing nothing and looking like some kind of slob with bed hair (which is actually quite often), time feels like it is going by sooooo slowly. it is in these moments where i long to see my friends and simply just be in their company. they bring me to life and make me grow.

// a boy.

there is a boy. he makes me laugh - makes me laugh and smile so deeply that my cheeks actually hurt. he understands me, without even trying, and it's like i can talk to him about things i barely ever talk to even my closest friends about.
it feels like he makes me a better person.
i recommended that he should watch the film Submarine. you know when you tell someone about something you love, and you know they probably won't think of it again, even if you said they should watch, or read, or listen to whatever you recommended.
well, he didn't do what those other people do.
he watched it.
he watched it! without me even having to remind him. he just took it on board and watched it.
it seems so small, but to me it means a lot.
he said i shouldn't be embarrassed of my creative ideas, or dreams. and when he said that he thought i underestimated how much i am capable of, it was like he saw my heart before i did myself.
he encourages me.

// the struggles of friendship.

sometimes friends can break your heart. as i've never had a boyfriend, i feel like so far it's one of the more painful heartbreaks.
sometimes it's slow, and they don't even realise it. they disappoint you and have no idea. they leave you and make it a pattern, and suddenly the words you say to each other seem like some kind of scripted conversation one of those model home family actors have recited everyday.
BUT
i am blessed to also have grown in some other friendships, and gotten closer to them.

// shopping & spending.

yes, very superficial compared to the other ones. but you know what, sometimes the online shopping websites just get stuck in your head and the paranoia that an item is going to go from 'low stock' to 'out of stock' takes over and next thing you know you've lost $70. and it's true, it is something that's been on my mind! so i'm just being honest.
mind you, though, i am a lot better compared to a friend of mine who will shop at kmart gladly for a few good hours.

// university.

starting university soon seems wEIRD.
thinking about kids still doing high school at the moment is even mORE WEIRD.
i do have doubts. i have doubts on whether what i am doing is right. 'perhaps choosing theatre as a minor wasn't such a good idea' is ALWAYS in the back of my mind. but it's kinda disappearing the more i think about it though (perhaps i've thought about it so much that i've out-thought it - if that even is a thing).
i think it's because i realised that there are going to be so many people at uni who are choosing electives that they have NEVER done before! so what's so different for me?! if it's normal for others to do so, then i shouldn't be so worried. it's an adventure!

// independence.

okay, i feel like all of this independence and adulting stuff has just hit me like a ton of bricks. all of a sudden you feel like your parents expect you to buy every little thing, and now you're also making social commitments that you need to get to, but you feel bad asking your dad for a lift.
UGH, let's hope i survive without losing my youth.

anyways, i would be surprised if anyone has read this far, as i know it's mainly just me rambling, and it doesn't have a particular theme i guess - but i wanted to just freely type something as an article, just to get it out there :)
i appreciate you for coming this far.

i hope you're having a day that is enjoyable,
and i hope your heart is well.

thank you for reading
x