Well, this year is going great so far. I found a place for an internship. I was searching for one about a year. What made 2017 a very stressful year. And I was not feeling great the whole year because of that. But now that I have one I actually feel like my life is taking the right direction.
It was the 20th January, when I finally had sex with the guy I was waiting for about five years. What made me so happy that I thought nothing could change that feeling. You know, because I have waited for that to happen for so many years. But as always, I was wrong. After it happened I felt so guilty and sad and I had no idea why. There was no reason to feel guilty about what happened. But I did anyway.
And it made me feel so bad that i really hurt myself. I cut my leg. I know that is dumb. The last time I did such a thing I swore to myself that it was the first and the last time. I was just so damaged because of this guy.
Like I always was when we had contact. He had the power to make me feel so good with just looking at me. But he also had the power to make me the saddest person on earth with just not looking at me.
I did not want to give him this power but I could not do anything against it. It was just that he had the power. Over me. I was at my rock bottom for a whole week. And I was so angry all the time that I wanted to smash something. But I did not know what I could smash. So I decided to hurt myself. That sounded as a good idea to me.
It was not, obviously. So I started drinking alcohol. For one whole week I was drunk at every single evening. It did not help but it was not supposed to. I just wanted to destroy myself a little bit. So I started smoking for that week, too. Actually, I think that in that week I smoked more than ever. I smoked before, at partys. But never that much. I stopped after this week. And afterwards, I realized, I never had so much fun in my whole life than I had in this week. No school, no work, nothing. Just Tequila, cigarettes, friends and me. And for my bad, I never spent so much money in just one month. Alcohol is just so expensive. I think that I spent about 150 euros in this month on alcohol and food. I can not really say, I do not really care about money because I am the rich kind of friend that always buys everything for other people. Also I kicked a girl I used to call my friend out of my life. She does not deserve to be my friend if she behaves like that. She is sneaky and superficial and so slutty. I mean really, really slutty. She had eleven boyfriends in less than a year and cheated on more than 7 of them. She is a person that gets attached to every boy who comes through the door and tells them she loves him after two weeks. Does she even know what love is? I have waited for one man almost five years and had only one other in that time. I am so happy to do not have to worry about her anymore. Even though the way I told her was not the most kind way and she hates me now. Well I can live with that because I do not need her. She needed me but I really do not want to be friends with someone like her. I feel free to say that she does not deserve any guy to love her because in the end she was so mad at me that she told me I will never find anyone who could love me because I am so ugly. Bitch, it is my personality that makes me better than you, not my appearence.