If I could change something in my life, it would be my last time together with you.

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It has been a few years, I have grown a lot since you last saw me standing below the gable of your bed. I was eleven years old, naive and stupid.

I actually thought you would survive it all.
I thought you would grow old with me,
You were very sick and you had already given up.
But inside of me lived faith, the faith you should have had to survive that demon eating you up from inside.

Everyday I asked how you were doing, how you were feeling and how your day was.
Everyday someone lied to me.

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The last two weeks of your life I couldn't come and visit you.
They said it was because I was sick and that it was contagious and if you would catch the same cold I was having, then you would die.

I always said that you would die on a lovely spring day, because you loved spring and the birds singing. The 8th of Mars I walked into school, shouting "Today it's finally spring! Look! The sun is shining", little did I know, that's the day you left us for heaven.

Everyone said "Sorry for your loss", no one understood what I had lost, I had lost more than only you grandmother, I lost hope, and I was an eleven year old girl.

I couldn't smile, I wouldn't allow myself to laugh in weeks, I got very insecure and it all ended up with that I couldn't even attend your funeral

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It was my first panic attack, I couldn't bare the thought of not being enough, I knew I wouldn't make anyone feel better, I couldn't bare the thought of never seeing you again, never feeling you again, never breathing in your smell or hearing your voice again.

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And today I am so sorry grandma, I wish I would have stayed strong, giving you a proper goodbye.