Disclaimer: This happened to me in real life. I'm posting this to share awareness.

Trigger warning: This post may contain self-harm and depression.

coffee, book, and glasses image

I found an old notebook of mine that has somewhat disturbing writings that I wrote from few years back which left me utterly shocked...

Back story: I live in Oslo, Norway right now, but when I was young, I lived in a city in the Philippines.

It went something like this...

October 10, 2015
airplane blue
January 2014, he left for the US. You know it's the end but you still have that hope at the back of your mind that he comes back for his promises, your promises, to eachother. You know it's impossible but you're hoping. You used to play blackjack together and promise eachother you'll go to Vegas to play at the Casino and count cards like the movie "21" you both love to watch.
Days have passed by so quickly and he becomes busier. He's now at the University studying engineering and he also got himself a job. You don't talk so much now like you used to. Skype calls aren't expected anymore.
You try to find someone else
You date other guys.
You f*** other guys but you don't love them.
No, you don't love them.
You just use them to make you forget him but it doesn't seem to work. You play with their feelings. You think that falling in love will make you weak and eventually will hurt you. So you choose not to love.
A year later, you still dream of him while you play with other guys' hearts. Suddenly you stop going to school. You stop seeing your friends. You don't go to your usual weekend parties with them anymore. You just stay in your bedroom. You're not happy so you find yourself comfort, by cutting yourself.
It makes you forget at least.
You love it.
Then you think about suicide.
You look them up on the internet, Ah! The easiest and has the most lethality ways of killing yourself.
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You become obsessed. You even cry in your sleep.
sad and suicide image
You become fragile. You're falling apart.
It seems to you, DEATH is the only way.
But here comes
SUMMER 2015
beach aesthetic
You're excited! You're going out of the country to the Philippines! Yeyy!!!
You get to meet some of your family and your friends. You love it in there. Everybody loves you too.
Everybody wants to hangout with you.
You seem happy, far from what you were months ago.
Warm weather,
summer, girl, and beach image
fun people,
beach, girl, and summer image
you love it there! It's amazing!
You feel free!
But boys in this city, Oh god, they're so easy to get! that's what you always think.
You date different guys at the same time during your summer vacation.
You talk to them when you're bored. You don't take them seriously.
Why should you? It's just for the summer, plus, you would just get hurt if you take them seriously. Eventually you'll leave. So just have a good time.
You feel bad about it, but that's okay, they're gonna get over it pretty soon. You don't care. You don't care about people's feelings and what you're gonna cause them. You just wanna have fun anyway. You don't wanna ruin the best summer of your life, right?
Eventually summer has ended. It's time to go back to your old life. It's time to leave the country. You fly back to Oslo thinking what's life after this.
airplane, airport, and mood image
You have no idea. You don't know what's going to happen. You're dreading for school too. You're dreading for summer to end. You know that if it ends, you'll go back to your boring, sad, depressing life. And you can't afford to be like that again...
You whisper to yourself as you board the plane... "Please, don't go back to that. Stay strong"

After reading this notebook, I was confused and still a bit shocked. I couldn't believe it. I know I was depressed and sad before, but I didn't actually rememeber why until after reading this. A lot has changed.
I've had real relationships after this and right now, I'm actually with someone that I really love and no, I don't sleep around anymore.

If you've ever felt like this, sad and depressed over some guy, please don't be. You're too young and you'll still meet a lot of people in the future. Don't waste your time over someone or something that you can never have back, but if you do, until then, jus enjoy your life and live your present!

PS:I don't have anything against the guy that I talked about in here. He's amazing and we are still friends. We still talk sometimes but not that often and we have moved on and have different lives and priorities now.