DISCLAIMER: The following is a collection of my thoughts at 2 am while I contemplate the stresses of life and money. I apologize for being an over-dramatic noodle.

I'm so stressed out at the moment. So stressed out that I'm pretty sure I've affected my hormone balance and brought on my period early. But what could cause such an imbalance you ask? Well, this stress is caused by the amazing yet terrible festival known as splashy fen.

For those of you who are not familiar with said event; it is a festival in South Africa where a group of amazing artists get together for a weekend to help you have an experience that WILL define your year. As you can tell, I've been before. I'm only 20 and so there is an abundance of time to go to the festival in the following years. This has not stopped me from stressing. My stress is revolved around money and also spending time with a particular group of friends. If I were to go to splashy I would have no money to do other things I wish to do in the year. In fact, I wouldn't have money to do anything, at least for a good few months. However, if i save my money and go to the festival in one of the following years, will my friends want to go themselves? I don't know. They want me to go this year and I know that I'll have an amazing time if I do. The group would be complete. The things I have planned for the year besides Splashy, although memorable, are not as exiting.

I planned on going ALL OUT at splashy this year. I'm talking glitter, costumes and all sorts of craziness to make our group stand out above the rest. But going all out like that would also mean going all out of money. This is where I note the pros and cons of buying the ticket. If I save the money I could invest it in things that I have not had the chance to enjoy yet, such as hobbies or smaller events in the year. The last thing I want to happen is to save the money and end up buying material things like clothes or food. I spend so much money on food and know that I'll have to make a conscious effort to avoid the vendors at university. I want to travel and see the world but I also want to party, dance and have fun. This doesn't necessarily mean getting drunk and being irresponsible. For me it means staying up so late you hear the birds chirping or thinking, well, we might as well stay up to see the sunrise. Thinking about it now is leaving me conflicted, and time is not helping.

Ticket prices will increase with time which means my overall expenses for the trip will increase with time. I have to make my decision now. I can feel the anxiety of it all weighing down on my shoulders. It's just an event. A stupid weekend that I'll kick myself for even having a twinge of anxiety about. Do I stay or do I go? Uhhhhhh, I've got a war going on between my head and my heart.

Splashy fen came into my life last year and has tainted it. I haven't had something like it in my life before. A chance to escape and relax and make memories. Something that me and my friends will LITERALLY talk about in the years to come. Man, the FOMO is hard. None of my friends from school have gone to these kinds of festivals, the camping kind, so I know that they'll think nothing of spending money on flimsy single day events that last a good five hours but cost the same amount. The camping festivals are the best kind though, no day event could come close to squaring up to them. I'm annoyed. So annoyed. Why didn't I buy early bird tickets? I was waiting. FOR WHAT? Aaaaaaah. So conflicted. Be boring or take a risk. I don't know. Gosh, I'm being dramatic. First world problems am I right? I promise I'm not like this in person. Only in my head. Or does that make it worse?

Writing all of this down I'm feeling like I don't go and rather save my money. I have more time than I think and could do so many things with this money. I need to be smart with it thought. Save it up to go somewhere overseas maybe? I've never left the country and the wanderlust is hitting me hard. I'm still so conflicted but becoming accepting of being boring. This would mean more time for me. Maybe. Or maybe it just means more time to be a loner and never leave the house. More time to play video games, read and be more anti-social. Although these are the things I enjoy, they are not necessarily the things that are healthiest for me. Maybe all of this is just related to me being socially anxious. No, I don't think so. This is about money, the cursed toxic ruling of us all. I'm back to contemplating.

Can't sleep, and for what? Nothing. Probably going to read till 2 am to distract/ relax myself. I'm pretty sure half the people going have free tickets. People who actually have the money to go to Splashy as well as all the other things in the year, if not more. Or maybe not. That was spiteful. I apologize. I don't know what other people are going through. Still, it would be nice to get in on that deal. Still stressed.

UPDATE: The stress has subsided but I can feel it in the back of my mind. I'm at the point where I'm OK with not going. There will be plenty of events that I can go to; skipping Splashy does not mean I'm being anti-social or boring. I did find myself a little disappointed though, that I wouldn't be able to spend the weekend with a friend that I was sitting next to in class. Them as well as the other people who I only see every now and then. People that I want to connect with but am too awkward and shy to when I see them normally. Splashy would be a place where I could be myself and make deep connections. Oh, well. Lets hope for next year.