this story is about me and my first love

you were the one i met on 8th grade
got to know you better when we were in 9th grade
on 10th grade we were in love at each other
and on 11th grade we're just friends

8th grade

the first time i laid eyes on you was on 8th grade
i was new in our school
it was during 6th period when somebody was showing me around to see my classes
you were sharpening your pencil near the door and you saw me
yeah we had a little bit of conversation and that was it
i only saw you on the hallways since i didn't have any classes with you

9th grade

i was shook when i knew you were in my english class
to be honest i was scared
i thought you were gonna make fun of me because i couldn't talk fluently in english
but i guess i was wrong
when we had group works where you have to find a partner you automatically turn your eyes on me and smile
and that's where it all started
you saw that i didn't want to go the cafeteria during lunch because it's so crowded and i don't know anyone
that was why i spend my lunch in the library
but you started to hung out with me there
and you were such a gentleman, you were just perfect
you started bringing my binder and walk me to class
even now i wasn't sure if that meant anything at all for you
i guess not since you had a crush on my friend
you were so into her you start telling me how great and pretty she was and i was just going along and smiling supporting you
i even remember on valentines you had a rose for her and i thought that's very sweet of you
but the only thing is that that girl never appreciated you
and you ended up getting your heart broken

10th grade

summer 2016 that was when we started to developed and started dating after like 2 months
it was great you know, we loved each other
you were telling me everyday how pretty i am and how much you love me
and that you're gonna do anything to make our relationship last forever
we even had those silly conversations where we talk about our future together
like how many kids would we have, what their names are gonna be, that type of thing
but then after months, you changed
when i saw your eyes i did not see any spark, no magic, no love
you were starting to get bland but i know you were trying to keep up and maintain our relationship
then one morning on summer 2017 you broke up with me
our relationship ended
everything that we planned together for our future just shattered into millions of pieces
i tried to pick them up but it was hard
they were so tiny that i ended up getting hurt even more
i tried to think positive and heal
but it was difficult for me

11th grade

when i found out that we have four classes together i don't know what or how to feel
should i be happy because am gonna see you everyday? or am i gonna be weak and shatter in front of you?
i think i did both
after months you found a girl
and i was the one who pushed you to go get her
and you actually did
you guys got into a relationship
i tried to be happy in front of you
pretended that i was okay even tho deep inside i was dying and bleeding out
i don't know
seeing you happy with her was enough for me
because i love you
but that doesn't mean you have to fuck with my feelings
sending mixed signals while me hoping that we could start again
who am i kidding?
myself, i guess

- Joana