Stumbling into the library on the first day of classes. Curious eyes soaking in the fresh environment. Taking a quick glance at the check-out desk and becoming stuck on your graceful movements. With the 8:50 bell ringing it was time for everyone to find their first class. Taking a second glance at you before shuffling out the exit door. For the following months you'd have a secret admirer hiding in the shadows.

One day you were with someone new. You had your arm wrapped around her, smiling. Continued actions over time created the illusion that you were happy in your new relationship. By now your younger brother became a close friend, he had liked me while I was fixated on his older brother. With homecoming around the corner there was a feeling that you'd be there. That feeling was right but it had an added bonus: your arm was once again wrapped around her. Hoping that you would have a safe and fun night but later learning that it didn't go so well. Continuing the night with your brother and other friends as you lingered in the back of my curious mind.

One day you decided to post something on your Instagram. Leaving a quick comment on your post and suddenly you replied. My heart was pounding because you finally noticed me. Eventually you moved our conversation into direct messages. This is when we started talking. After a couple of days you left your number for an easier way to contact you. That was the night you explained why you no longer had a girlfriend. I thought I could have a chance but I still doubted myself. We still hadn't met in person but we would talk over text any chance we got. After a week of talking we finally found each other at school. This was the most formal introduction from a high schooler, you shook our hands and wished us luck on our finals. Not long after parting ways you decided to send me a text saying "you're so cute!". Finals passed and then winter break came around. We continued to talk but the long to see your face would grow more each day. One day you came and you were sad. You longed to be held and to hold someone. To love and be loved. Asking if it was wrong to want a girlfriend again in fear that you would look like you were moving on too fast despite not actually liking your last girlfriend. Reassuring you by saying "it's ok to want something, do things when you're ready for them".
As winter break was coming to an end you asked to go shopping. Agreeing just to see you. As the time went by, your friend and you got a bunch of clothes while the timid girl walked around. After shopping we were all hungry so we headed for Chinese food. "Do you like him?" came out of your friend's mouth as soon as you left the table. Laughing it off as you came back. After the day was over it was time to go home so your friend dropped us off. The last important thing from December was our first call where we spoke for hours about anything and everything.

You seemed more interested as time went on. One day while at a friend's house you said come over. Asking Mother for permission and soon we'd be together in your upstairs living room. Laying on the couch you put on some shows. Absent minded I would glance at you wanting to know what it was like to lay with you. Waiting for the next episode to load you turned around and hovered over the couch getting closer. Soon enough your lips were pressed against my shocked ones. Unknowingly, you took someone's first kiss and continued watching the shows. The rest of the night became bumpy and there were tears shed. The rest of the month was pretty normal for us.

I revealed a lie I had been keeping from you on Chinese New Year, you assured me that nothing would change between us as tears flooded my vision. You had a rough patch with your parents so we took you in for a weekend. Treating you to dinner, you asked if you could stay the night. That night you made a decision that you thought you'd regret later. The next morning said you'd distance yourself but not even an hour after dropping you off at home you sent me a text. These weekends continued for the next 4 months, sleeping over and getting tangled with each other. A second home for you.

This was messy and I hated every second of this month. We were going so smoothly and some events had to ruin it. Walking to class late you were down the hall. You were with another girl. You walked closer towards her and she got up on her toes to kiss you. It looked so normal for the both of you. The next period was spent in tears. You got a chance to explain yourself and it wasn't what it appeared to be. We continued and forgave but didn't forget. I later learned it wasn’t only a kiss that was shared between the two of you, this tore me down and I’ll never forget feeling as if I’ll never be enough for you.

I spent this month trying to fully regain my trust in you. For the most part it was repaired but I can’t help but occasionally think, ‘What did I do wrong for me to not be enough?’. I stayed and rebuilt what we had. This was emotionally draining for me.

You were at that same small house. Laying with you until you got up. Pulling a paper crane out of your bag you read a poem written on the wings. It was a promposal. Saying yes but in reality being nervous. Later that month prom came. We had dinner at your parent's restaurant and prom went. It was a long and pretty enjoyable. We didn't know any of the songs but that's ok because we were with each other. That night, as I was laying with you I whispered your name, going silent after. You understood what I wanted to say because you could feel my tears landing on your bare chest. You told me it wasn’t time yet so I stayed quiet and fell asleep in the arms I would later claim as home. In the next few days, you confessed those three little words and added something on, with my head down I began crying once more. You questioned why I wasn’t saying it back when just three days prior I wanted to so badly.

You graduated. That night started off good for you but you made mistakes that would ruin most everything good we had. The night was spent in tears for me but I knew it wasn’t the end for us. You apologized twice but as they say, forgive but don’t forget. On the 11th you decided to ask me that one question I had been longing for. You had already told me those three sacred words just less than a month before. You've taught me lots and I grew more in the first three months with you than I ever have, I must continue to grow with you.

I like you more than I was planning to and I want to continue what we have from here on out because a world without you is not made for me.


this is a story of heart break and rebuilding love and trust
(please don't copy this without credit!)