there are people lying in hospital beds
fighting for their lives
there are children, hungry
with more visible ribs than visible smiles
there is a man somewhere
sleeping on a park bench
while pigeons peck on what is left of the food
he managed to buy with his two dollars
that's all he got this week
who knows what next week will bring

i am curious
to why i feel so helpless
when there are people
who have so much less
it is a recurring question
i can't seem to shake the feeling of

first of all
you
you are going places
i guarantee

i hope i am too
but
here's why i might not be

number one
tiredness and hunger are feelings
for me,
tiredness is that clingy friend
that won't leave me alone
sleep is the friend that i want to hangout with
but she doesn't show up
so tiredness is my new friend instead
and i let her become
a part of my personality

hunger is the energetic little girl
i am babysitting for
we're playing hide and seek
but she likes to jump out and scare me sometimes
and i am sick of being scared
that i am not going to be able to find her
so i decide to let her come and go as she pleases
she creeps up on me before i fall asleep
she's there to wake me up in the morning
she doesn't care if i eat my feelings
she's there to tell me i need to keep playing with her
and now
i guess i still have an empty heart
but a full belly

number two
i tell my doctor
i don't care what pills you want to give me
just let me feel something
for once
also
i hate the smell of your office
it's okay though
it's not your fault

number three
one thing i can do
to feel alive
is listen to music i don't usually listen to
i'll make plans that i'm terrified of going to
i push myself
and push myself
to say yes when that new friend asks me to hang out
at the very last minute
to say yes is so damn hard
it's like paddling against the wind

for example
i'm going to go to a concert
a really intimidating one
and allow me to title this
'lonely girl goes to a rave'

number four
somedays i find myself sitting in a classroom
with a clock
frozen in time
the seconds hand seems to be moving
but the rest is not
i can not focus
i can not win
i can not meet my goals
i can not get where i want to be
its so unfair

what am i good at
what are my talents
actually
i'm not really sure
so i ask myself
why am i here

number five
i've written quite a lot about this already
but i think of life like
we are all hourglasses
full of sand
my sand hasn't started moving yet
my sand can't get where it wants to go yet
the other hourglasses are working slowly but surely
i haven't been tipped over yet
i don't know when i will be

sometimes i miss being in middle school
i particularly miss the feeling of my friends
taking the grains of sand that were left behind
from my hourglass
and putting it back into my heart
where it belongs

number six
you see i am unique
and i don't mean that in a good way
because my depression comes back when i least expect it
i am simply a slightly amusing person
to be around

and finally

sadness
can be refreshing
because lately
it's been sunny, hot and humid out
perhaps i could use a little shower
to cool me down
crying is refreshing too
i am ready for the day i can cry without choking back my sobs
in the shower
when i am crying anywhere but the shower
i miss the safety of the cold shower tiles
against my heaving body
i miss the cloudy vision
i miss realizing the high density of my head
when it is throbbing with pain
i miss the sound of the train horn in the distance
i miss the bathroom floor tiles
under my warm wet feet
i miss this
when i cry anywhere
but the shower

this is reality

don't let it scare you

face it head on

because you are going places.