Fair Warning: This is a note that was written out during a dark moment around April of last year. I just wanted to upload it because I feel like I would feel so much better publishing it than just keeping it for myself, you know? Okay, here goes. There probably will be a trigger warning in here, I'm not sure where. But mind you that I don't even remember what I wrote because I had it locked in my phone and I haven't touched it since. But yeah...

Dear Notes,

Sometimes I just question my existence. I question why I'm still alive. I question why I'm not happy with my life. Ii question why I fake my happiness and smiles. I also wonder about a lot of things. I wonder if people actually love and care for me. I wonder if I'm ever going to be happy. I wonder if things are going to become good for me.

But then the bad thoughts sink in after those wonders. Not the questioning of my existence. Oh no, questioning is ten times better than this.

It's the belittling of myself that ruins the inside. I overthink responses from my friends and start to worry that they officially realized how annoying and unlovable I am. I start to overthink how crap I am in school and how I'll never amount to anything. I overthink my importance in this world and how it would be better without me.

The worst part is that I have contemplated suicide before in my life. I have contemplated just letting the darkness swallow my soul because I just feel so alone and broken. I try not to feel alone or broken, especially since I have so much to be happy for, but it's just so fucking hard. I don't know if I can do it anymore without any help. I don't know if it's too late for me to even get help because I'm just psychologically fucked up that nothing could possibly work.

I'm just so tired and done...with everything. I don't want to continue with any of this anymore. It's just too hard and I don't know what to do.

I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared. Even as a twenty year old, I've contemplated suicide at least five times in 2016 because everything just felt so horrid and wrong. I don't even know what to tell people what's wrong when they ask! Everything just feels wrong and horrid. But I'm scared- I don't want to die and let the darkness win....I just...I give up though...

This was probably one of the darkest moments of my life last year due to so much stress with college and wanting to graduate on time but having no money to do so. I don't want to say that I'm completely better and happy now (I'm not) but I'm working hard to make sure I don't give in and feel truly happy with my life and self. If you ever feel like how I felt in this note, then I beg of you to please seek help so you don't succumb to the darkness.