five years of all one can only imagine.
we've been through everything this world could allow.
Everything, but one thing.

I didn't want to cry.
I never want to cry.
But as you held me so tight.
whispering.
"I love you so much"
"It'll only be a bit longer than we're used to"
I fought back the tears.

I hardly ever cry.
If I do, its because im angry or out of happiness.
But still.
A few tears I couldn't hold back rolled down.
Down onto your white shirt you wore that day.
"I thought you did want to cry."
You said.
And Me:
"I didn't, I don't!" While tears covered my pale face.
And when I hugged your mother.
I cried again.
One last Kiss. One tight hug.
And I left. So I wouldn't have to see you leave.
And in the train I cried again.

Only days later I heard your mother say.
When you were standing at the airport, ready to start your big adventure.
"He didn't say much. You know how he is. I only heard him quietly mouthing: Huh.. Im not going to see her for half a year now."

It's been two weeks.
Though it feels like months.
I stop by your mothers for coffee every now and then.
So she can tell me all about what you have seen.
Because I don't know.
I don't write, I don't call, I don't Skype.
So I can get my body to understand that things have changed.
I forced myself to sleep in your bed one day.
I slept in the shirt you wore that day, the one that caught my tears.
I listened to our songs and went to that Italian place we always get pizza from. And sat there, Alone. In your room.
So my brain could comprehend that you're no longer here.
Which is hard.
Because I keep hearing your voice.
Telling me to calm down, telling me you're there for me. And those last words of "I love you" and "I'll be back one day".

So while you're asleep in your hammock by the beach, I look out the window and see the snow falling.
And I keep on calculating time back. To see what you might be doing.
Is he asleep?

We said we would be on a break.
To stop our relationship for at least Six months.
But how should I tell my heart.
When it constantly beats for you.
And yes. I think its for the best.
But that won't stop me from feeling "I love you".

It's not that I can't live without you.
It's just that the world and all living creatures in it.
Are much more beautiful and colorful when Im with you.