I have a lot of experiences and I love writing about them. I share them in hopes that others can relate or feel like they aren't alone. This is another story from my life....

It was almost eight o’clock when a rush of confidence poured into my mind and I finally made decision that was going to dramatically affect my life and the way that I lived it. The contemplation on whether I should stay or go didn’t come easy for me. It had taken a tole on me for months and those months were filled with remorse and an endless amount of uncertainty. The thought of making a decision and it being one of regret made the last half an hour I had complete hell. My mind overflowed with the endless possibilities of what could transpire if my decision was not well thought out. The memories of my father came to my mind making the decision for me one and for all. His disapproving voice, the countless lectures, the shaming of my body, and the way I carried myself were only a few of the many stabs in the back I had taken. I had made my decision. My mother confirming that it would all be okay wasn’t as comforting as it should have been. Still, worry was painted across my face as I began to explain my decision to my father over the phone. Time went slower as I got closer to finishing. My writing was well thought out and the use of love was short. The compassion in my writing wasn’t real but was done as more of a precaution.

My message had been sent. The worry was worse than before. I knew I would anger my father and that there was now no going back to my closed off self. I had told him the truth. I wanted to stay with my mother. He had broke me over and over and never seemed to care what it was he was doing to me in the process. It had been years of disapproval for me but years of praise for my lean and athletically built brothers. The suspense in the air around me thickened as a bubble with three dots appeared on my screen. It was only a matter of time before my worry turned into panic and my anxiety would take over the entirety of myself. The blinding sound of my phone ringer was going on continuously. My father had completely disregarded what it was I had said in my message and went on a rant. He didn’t approve of my decision which was expected but the words on my screen had made me feel like nothing and began to seep in as i realized my choice was the right one.

I was instructed by my mother to turn my phone off. She could see my anxiety building as I read and reread the paragraphs. My walking was paced as I made my way to the once family friendly car. My younger brother waiting to leave unknowing of the events that had happened and unconcerned about the ones that will. The car stopped in front of my fathers apartment complex and as it did my chest began to burn. My face was now red and splotchy as i tried to hide my emotions. As I left with now only my mother I began to calm down. My state of mind was blurry and I couldn't grasp anything i was being told. When I finally realized we had stopped my eyes wandered as I noticed we weren’t home. I hadn’t listened to a word my mother had said due to my overwhelming amount of thoughts. Instead of home we were at a familiar parking garage. The smell of popcorn filled my lugs as we walked up the stairs that lead to a series of entertainment and relief. The two hours spent in silence as my most loved actors played in front of me made me forget about everything. It was my escape.

My escape only lasted so long until reality had hit again. The feeling of being back home was now scary. I was told about the brief visit from my most hated authority figures and I was now consumed in dread. My phone still turned off, I dosed off later that night while trying to forget about what might happen.

The sound of my alarm blared in my ear as I now knew I had school. I was in a complete daze. I had forgotten about the contents of the last night and was more worried about the headache that was crushing my thoughts. Clearing my mind I finally noticed I was still in the comfort of my mothers house. Memories of the night before poured into my mind as I made one of the biggest mistakes. I had turned my phone on and watched as no notifications came in. My curiosity was overwhelming as i tried to find out what was wrong with my phone. I confronted my mother about it only to find out nothing was wrong with it. I really had nothing from my father. No calls. No texts. Nothing.

While getting ready for school questions arose. Did he not care? Does he really not want me? Does he not want to fight for me? Although selfish, I couldn’t help but think my father didn’t want me and didn’t want to fight to keep me. These thoughts replayed in my mind all through my first period. It had grown to be too much as I finally contacted my mother to take me home. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything other than what was going to happen to me and to my living situation. As soon as I got home I instantly fell asleep. dreaming about the harsh reality I was living. This slumber didn’t last long as I was finally hit with paragraphs from my father. They were nasty. All of my old memories came back and new ones were being made with the accusations of being threatened and the reached comments about myself that hit hard and that would never be forgotten.

Til this day more paragraphs filled with accusations and comments about myself and my life are made. Some weeks more than others. The feeling of regret quickly faded and the dread I felt toward what the future would hold fell flat. I knew I had made the right decision. I am overall happier with my mother than I would ever be living with my father.

Athena May :)