For my entire life I'd always been a very private person. I'm not entirely sure if it was a choice. Maybe it was more of an adaptation mechanism to... life. That's just what I was: private, closed off, at times even intimidating. You know, in the sense that I was off-putting, my personality viewed as aggressive. I can't tell you exactly when I became that way. But I remember thinking at one point that perhaps this is what it felt to grow up a boy. Because boys get told differently when they cry, when they show any emotion that someone else considers "weak". I'm aware not all boys grow up like I just painted in your head, but still that standard is still there.

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In a sense growing up like that helped me. I was fearless, I stood up to everyone. I spoke my mind. If I didn't like you, you'd know. If you punched, you could go and swear upon any god that you believed in that I would punch back. Probably harder than you.
To sum it up for you I was a piranha. And you know maybe some day I'll write with more detail about this period in my life, but if I did this article would be very very long.

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Coming closer to where I'm now, there were times I felt like a monster, but I liked it. I liked being talked about like I was a mythical creature. Nobody knew anything about me, even my closest of friends. I went about 18 years without a single friend ever seeing my cry. Or hear about a guy I liked. Or trouble at home. Or my self-loathing issues or my eating problems. And so they speculated. They talked about me like I was a force to be reckoned with, like I had magic, like there must be something cool that I was hiding. Like I was the closest thing to being perfect. Because despite everything I just said I got along with practically everyone in my year. I was funny, witty, smart and could understand almost any type of humour. From dark to dirty remarks. I could play all the games.

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Something happened to me recently. I don't know what. I just broke. Maybe it's the getting older thing, or the graduating thing, or the appreciating things when they're gone thing. But I just sunk and hit bottom of the most consuming and cold dark pit your can imagine. I realized that I had no one. I was alone. In my consuming cold dark pit, I was alone. At first I was angry. I had so many great friends, so why in the hell did no one notice I was gone? Not physically but mentally, just gone. I sank deeper, going under the surface of the Earth. Suddenly being the great mythical creature that I'd been somewhat unknowingly building up meant nothing. It felt like a disease. Because I didn't have anyone.

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I kept boys away and from loving me with my sky high walls. I wasn't really in the friend circle I'd been a part of for years because no one knew anything about me and if so, then did they even want me there? Everything I'd stacked up so carefully and surely just blew away with the wind. Nothing held meaning because I'd never really been there. No one knew me. Who was I? I was not even sure anymore. By that point I didn't have a mind.
Right now, I'm better obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be able to write about this. Not completely out of the pit but... very close. I've come to the realization that I'm still the mythical creature, because I'm still the same person in essence, I'm just working on being the monster who is your friend, not the one hiding underneath your bed.
This is my starting line. The gunshot your hear at the beginning of the race that tells you start running. I want to open up. I want you to know me. I want you to relate. I want you to feel like you're not alone in a consuming cold dark pit.

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