I always wondered how much time was enough. How much time is appropriate to give before thinking about someone new after ending a relationship? How long is long enough before you stop grieving? As if there was a formula, set guidelines I had to follow in order to get it right. I worried if I gave in too fast, it would mean I didn't care enough about a relationship. Worried if I took too long, it would mean I was still hurting. I tried blocking out my pain, I tried giving in, both of which hurt the same. I tried listening to empowering songs, telling myself I didn't need someone like that in my life, that I didn't deserve to be unhappy. But no one ever writes songs about how it's okay to want to go back to the person you left because he didn't hurt you, he just pushed you away and never asked you to come back.

I sit thinking about all the ways I can ask you to come back into my life. I think about calling you, I think about you answering. I think about what you would say, if you would say my name or if you would no longer recognize my number. I listen to heartbreak songs, trying to absorb the advice. I wait for the epiphany that I can do better, that I deserved better. But the truth is, I never reached it. I never felt the relief that time supposedly eases and heals everything. I just felt lonely. Like I couldn't do anything by myself. Like I couldn't survive being on my own.

I wish there was an article that I could write that could offer a set formula on how to get through it. I wish I could tell someone going through a heartbreak that it gets better with time. And maybe it will get better. Maybe I won't feel as lonely as I do now, in 2 years. I wish I could link a video that helped me realize my self-worth without him next to me. But I never struggled with loving myself. I never struggled with realizing how precious I am and how intelligent and capable I am of becoming someone successful. And I think that is the worst kind of heartbreak. Knowing it isn't something superficial or an insecurity with yourself. It's just heartbreak. And there's no cure for it.