Hey guys!

So this is my first attempt at an article/blog. I am so new to this and I would really appreciate it if you guys showed some encouragement or even criticism.

So it's been a year since my first/horrible heartbreak with the jerk of a boyfriend. I am still not completely over him but i definitely know that i deserve much MUCH better. And clearly there are better ways of channeling those emotions than running into the arms of other men. So i have decided to post some of my deepest thoughts under the name of an article :')

And as much as I hope that no one ever has ot go through what i have, I really hope you guys can relate.

So here you go!

Do you know how much it hurts? To know that you just cant please someone no matter how hard you try. To know that you can’t have that one person you want. In your eyes, I am this hopeless, depressed girl who has minor issues which she seems to make a big deal out of. Do you know how much it pains to be stuck in this mind forever which constantly wants to put itself down? The small voice nagging at the back of the head that keeps repeating “they don’t care” when someone wants to know whats wrong. I have trust issues. I don’t even know why. I haven’t had any past experiences to explain them, except you. You just made it a million times worse. Everywhere I look, I feel your presence. Every scent, I sense you. Every feeling, reminds me of what you made me feel. To you, its all in the past. Something that should have never happened. Something you don’t care enough to remember. For once I wish I could be like you, I really do. How does it feel to not give a shit about what the other person feels? How does it feel to magnify the pain you have caused each time you say something hurtful to me? How does it feel to know you have destroyed someone? Every guy, and I still long for you. Only you. I thought I could pretend I didn’t want you. It even worked for a few months. Everyone has a relapse. You were mine. I fell back to you. Harder than ever. Even though you gave me nothing. But you were the ocean to my shore, hitting me in waves. Stronger than ever. Leaving scars after scars. Oh but you didn’t care. To you, I was the legacy of pain you had left behind.

Did it ever keep you up at night, wondering what could have possibly gone wrong? What if we had done things differently?

When he said he liked me, you tried to convince me to give in to him. Did it ever occur to you that the person I had already pledged myself to was you and not him? I used to think that maybe with time I could heal. It’s been a year. And I haven’t moved an inch no matter how hard I try. Now I don’t even know if I can. Will I be able to look at someone else and not wish it was you? Will I be able to stop comparing every guy I meet to you? Will I be able to find the comfort in someone’s touch the way I found in yours?

I know I am not supposed to have it all figured out. But I just wish for once God would show me some light. Or at least make me capable of seeing it. I am sick of being like this, stuck over you and crying over you. I want you. I really really do. I haven’t admitted that in so long. I don’t even believe in God. But for once I am turning to you. You let him move on without any pain. Why can’t I get the same?