I feel terrible. And I'm coming on here to write about it because I have no one to actually talk to and I've seen people make rant articles so why no give it a try. Basically, recently everything has been like at a constant normal and it's a sad normal, I'm so sad that it's become a normal mood. A while ago I really thought I was getting better but all of a sudden I am hit with a sudden sadness that is typically called, depression. I HATE IT SO MUCH. It comes and goes and when it's there my thoughts are so unbearable.
I really want to get better, and I'm really trying but it's just so hard. I have gotten wayyy better the past year and right now it's kind of on a down hill and I really don't want to go back to the worst part of my life, or worst. But I just moved to a new school this year (2017-2018) and I'm losing all my old friends. I miss them so much. I miss my old school so much.
I literally don't text anyone anymore. I go days without talking to my friends and I haven't made any close friends at this new school. I just feel so alone, like everyone hate me, like I'll be alone forever.
I look at all the other new kids and they all have their friends and then theres me. I have to sit by my self at lunch on A days and it makes me so mad, frustrated, and sad at the same time. I wish I could talk to my friends but I can't because it doesn't seem like they care at all, so I just stopped talking to them and they haven't said anything. Probably haven't even noticed.
I JUST WISH THERE WAS SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT ME. Someone I could talk to about anything. Someone I could have the best time of my life with. Someone I can do the same for. Unfortunately, I have lost all my friends I have ever had in my life. And it wasn't ever because I was a bad friend, just kinda drifted apart.
Speaking of drifting apart, I tend to push my friends away. I don't mean to but it just happens because I'm afraid they'll think I'm annoying or I'm afraid they hate me. I hate that I do this so much. There is also the issue that I can't talk to anyone. I have no idea how to start conversations and I'm terrible at keeping conversation and I am REALLY socially awkward and awkward in general.
Recently I have been talking to new people in my classes and I really enjoy talking with them and I wish we could be friends but we aren't that close and I wish I knew how to make friends. UHg. They make me laugh and it makes my whole day which makes my depressing mood seem not as depressing. But then I get home and lay in my bed literally all day because I have nothing to do. No one to text. No one to hang out with. And no music available without wifi. Otherwise I would be outside hanging by myself all day. The only thing I can do is sit at home and watch Netflix and YouTube all day, and it makes me feel like a slug/piece of unproductive trash.
I want to actually do something with my life and I make art and music sometimes and it makes me feel good but my sadness just stops me from doing anything I like. I wish I were happy. I wish i could go on little adventures with friends. I wish I could get away from here. I wish I could do something fun and exciting for once. I want to actually live my life, not just barley survive. but i cant do it by myself.