Today, I realised I had social anxiety. And I feel really, really bad about it. I feel bad first of all for the people who know me. I am a fucking burden who never knows what to do and loves to be alone. But the thing with this longing for loneliness is it makes me even more anxious sometimes. What I mean is that I feel bad about not being with people, hanging out with them and at least knowing them enough to go to their parties and make tons of plans. I love being my own company most of the time, and it paradoxically sucks. On the moment, I feel free and so happy because I can do whatever I want without people judging me or even giving their opinions but then I feel bad for not being like the regular teenager who is always with friends. I don’t understand the concept of partying all night long and I don’t understand being drunk until you puke. That’s not my thing. I have never liked working with people at school for instance. Why? Because I could do the work myself, like I want it to be done, when and where. Even if I sound like a bitch I will say it: I don’t even have to listen to everyone else’s point. I prefer my opinion to be wrong rather than the opinions of four people because I feel like I could have got it right alone. What I like are small groups of individuals. People who look like me, not hundreds of strangers who, to be honest, intimidate and scare me. Sometimes, I am in situations when I feel so out of place, and it hurts so much. You feel like nobody wants to talk to you because they understood that you were weird and that your friends were so much better than you. People are not attracted to me in any ways, I am not the kind of girl you go to at party because I “look like a good person to talk too”, like I have heard so many times. You know that feeling when it clicks in your head that people don’t want to talk to you because they have decided in their mind that you are not the right person ? So you question yourself, you want to get out but how can you escape without looking even more stupid than right now? You finally get out of that place or get away from those people. You feel free and you start to breathe again because you are home. Home is myself. And I now admit it but I am not proud. I also feel bad for my family. Society creates those images for gender, races, ethnicity, sexual orientations but they also do the same for the stages of your life like the teenager or the girl in her 20s, etc. The teenager girl should be skinny, well-dressed and have many friends she likes to go out with all day long and party with all night long. She is the one you call when you want to confess something and she is the one you go to for advice. She, of course, has a boyfriend and she really hates being alone because she would rather spend her time having fun with the people she loves. Well, oops sorry but this is what we call a myth. I know there are girls like that because I definitely met some. I sure have heard girls and boys saying that they cannot stand being alone because it’s boring and creepy. And in my head I asked myself, why aren’t you thinking the same thing? Why is it the complete opposite for you? Why am I not like them?
But you know what, I love being with myself. I like to go on random planetarium dates, I love to go to exhibitions with sad music blasting in my ears, I love riding my bike for hours in Paris listening to U2, I love reading a book that leaves me questioning everything, I love spending hours in bookshops, I love smiling at strangers and exploring the internet in search for new inspirations. Love yourself like the things you adore doing and I promise that you will not feel left out. Embrace your weirdness people.