he's gone.

and he isn't coming back.

i wish i could have helped him. i wish i could have made him feel like he was loved and maybe this could have been prevented.

i regret not being there for him. he must have felt so lonely to do what he did. he probably felt like he had no other choice; that his life was only going to get worse.

it's been about a month left since he left this earth. some days i'll go out of my way to watch videos of him. it makes me smile to hear him laugh. but lately i've tried to avoid them. the moment i see him i imagine what he must have felt in his last moments and i start crying, not able to stop.

he means so much to me. he was such a compassionate person who put others before himself. i wish i could have taken all of his pain away.

but life's not like that.

life is cruel and unforgiving. life won't stop to let you catch your breath; it'll continue forward causing you to topple over.

when i remember that he had so much pain it breaks my heart. it makes me want to die. i don't understand why someone as loving as him could've felt so lonely and hopeless.

i wish i could bring him back.

now that he's gone, i realize that life isn't something to trust. this world is harsh and it doesn't care about anyone.

even typing that, i know it's a lie. i know there are beautiful moments and people on this earth and in this life. i'm just in so much pain now i feel i don't have the right to see the good side of things.

i just miss him so much.