I'm cherishing this unhealthy obsession for a man. I ignored all these obstacles that are just screaming "This is not going to work. Stop it before it's too late!" and held on to the hope that maybe his feelings don't show. But I just realised, his feelings don't matter. He decided to not pursue this relationship. So it's not worth it for him. That's all that matters. Or should matter, in a reality where I make decisions that are good for me. But somehow I never do. Instead, I choose to put so much time and effort into something that very fucking likely has no future. It doesn't even have a present. It's not officially a relationship. I love him, we meet about every weekend, we talk about random things, music, weed, biking, life, videogames, food. We cuddle, we sleep together. In one bed, we don't have sex. He doesn't see any other women. But it's not a relationship. I feel like I'm still trying to win him over. And somehow I am, I'm trying to show him that I'm worth all these risks or the efforts of avoiding them. It's unusual. If people notice that we are a couple he's at risk of being the gossip topic number one. Because people don't understand but still think they know best. They judge so easily. No, he's not using me. No, I don't have daddy issues. Actually he has, because his dad died so soon. Or at least he's more likely to have daddy issues than me. And no, I'm not after his money. And I'm not dating an older guy because there aren't any boys my age who are interested in me. It just happens, okay? People fall in love in mysterious ways. And I fell for him because I saw him every week at home. He's a friend of our neighbours. Yes, he knows my dad. He's friends with him. He's almost twice my age. And I'm only seventeen. I can already feel people judging. I know it's weird. I hate it. But it's not my fault, I can't change it. Just like I can't change my feelings for him. And I tried so many times to get him out of my head. I've never cried so many times before over someone or something. When he told me this wasn't gonna work I had a solid breakdown. Unfortunately this was during the holidays, so I had a lot of time to think about him and no obligations to distract me. I couldn't handle the pain. To keep me from being stupid and text or visit him, I tried to distract me otherwise. Two hours after I texted him back that I can't accept the end of this relationship and he didn't answer, I smoked weed, sipped some liquor, took a strong sleep aid, sipped some cough sirup and hoped to be able to sleep. Classical borderline behaviour, can't handle emotions and uses drugs to numb them. I know this sounds like an awful lot of drugs at once, but it wasn't enough to make me sleep. I went outside to go for a little walk, but I ended up walking one hour to his house. I ringed. No one opened. I don't know if he ignored it or just didn't hear it. The walk home was way more exhausting. I couldn't even cry.
My whole holidays were spoiled. And all of this pain for nothing.
Scenes like this continued to happen again and again, not as intense and obvious, but the feeling I had was the same. Desperation. I didn't want to give this up. He's the first person I've ever loved. And I wish I wouldn't. He's the best thing in my life but also the worst.
It usually happens like this: I go to his place, we watch a movie, I stay over. In the morning he tells me to go home, at home I realise how much I love him and how horrible this situation is and decide to change it. I write down my feelings, all the things I dislike about him (not many, unfortunately), what he might think and feel, my favourite memories with him and the bad ones as well. I listen to sad songs and write down the lyrics I indentify with, I go for a walk in the forest, melancholic mucis on blast with my headphones, and burn half of those papers. The ones with the good memories, my hopes and fantasies. The harder it is to set them on fire, the more I feel like I came closer to letting go. But some days later I forget all the pain. Text him again. We meet. It's wonderful. I remember that it won't work. I'm sad again. And it all starts over...
It's been going on and on for a year now. And it doesn't really get any better.
I'm doomed. It's not fun for me.