These past few weeks have really torn me up in more than a few ways. In particular a certain someone that keeps playing with my emotions, but has no idea he's doing it. So to say the least, my heart hurts in a way it never has before. In a way that makes all the other pains feel bearable, and all the other sights seem sound. I hate this feeling, of loving. It's like someone's taken a hammer to my heart, where I think about him and what we could be, when I know he's thinking about her and sweet serenity. It's not fair to me. Laying awake, loosing sleep over him. I hate how handsome he is without trying, and how the thought of him makes me smile without lying. I often think about how beautiful our lives would be together. But I know he doesn't see me that way, and I have to wait here craving him.

To him:
I only wish you would think about me as often as I think of you. You're always on your phone, and yet I never hear from you. I miss the sound of your voice and our friendly conversation. But we're away. And I can't help but think that when I see you again things won't be the same. It may sound obsessive, but I have no other way of saying it. I want to hate you for toying with my feelings, making me feel special, like we had something. But I can't bring myself to do it. My friends say you're oblivious, and that you won't ever see the signs. And I end up hating myself, for all you are is poison to me, but I just can't get enough.

Maybe I'm addicted to the pain of it. Something like I've never felt before. So please I beg of you, knowing you'll never read this. Say something, say anything to me. Let me know that I'm not just loosing sleep over a guy, just some guy. That won't even remember me when I see him again. Tell me something to stop my mind from going insane.

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My friends tell me to hate you. But I just can't help myself. The pain is addicting.

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Cover photo by Corinne Kutz on Unsplash