instead of having resolutions for 2018, i wanted to do a challenge. and that is to put down my thoughts and feelings of the day everyday in 2018. i want to see how i grow. i want to see the stress i've been through, the happy memories, and feelings i have. i don't have time to keep a diary, so this will help me not only to reflect but to manage my time each day.


snow, winter, and christmas image beautiful, christmas, and cold image

new year. right off the bat, my brother says that it will be the worst and stressful year of my life. tests, schools, college apps. i'm scared that the things i did will bite me back in the rear. it already has, but i don't wanna upset my family more. i'm such a cheater. i can't keep doing this, not in such a critical year of my schooling. but thank goodness for a new year. new year, new me. hopefully. i need all the change in me i can get. i have a story idea. someone goes to a friend reunion, only to realize that he/she is dead, and watches friends grieve over him/her.

first day of school of 2018. i'm really vibing with others. i'm so internally bitter. i'm so easily sensitive. but today, things were better than expected. i need to stop reading into people and enjoy the moment. i laughed so hard today during play rehearsal. it's my outlet after a long school day. also, i find myself letting him go. i just gently but firmly block him out of my mind. 2018 is a year of purely me trying to get back on track. focus. you don't have that many chances.

i think what may be my "inner turmoil" is. i don't have anything dramatic or devastatingly terrible happening in my life (so far). i'm extremely lucky. but i feel like i am not fulfilled. i can't go to sleep and feel completely content with the long term actions i've done. i feel like i'm not working as hard. work hard, my family says. oh, but it's so easy to slip to that comfortable mentality. like i can have a perfect day where nothing really goes wrong and nothing negative occupies my thoughts, but it's just coiled up feeling in the pit of my stomach that keeps getting tangled and tangled as the test deadline comes.

please be good to me, 2018, and i'll be good to you. today was quite enjoyable. i keep reminding myself to stop being so bitter. but all i wanna do is nail my tests, then take a road trip with Khalid playing in the convertible while driving along the coastline of California with my friend A. am i too happy right now? i feel like i'm in a state of general bliss, and i'm not supposed to. i should be stressing. and i am, but again, is it enough? what have you got for me, 2018?

so nothing terrible has happened to me yet in the beginning of this year. i feel sorta blissful except for my tests. but maybe i value the little things in life so much that my day is (so far) not terrible. i see a little bit more faith in humanity. it's gonna be alright. love ya kendrick.

the best days are productive days. a wonderful feeling to get work done. i don't wanna waste my time thinking about a boy who i thought liked me but actually doesn't. not him. but this other guy in 7th grade. i realized that i am not mad at him for not liking me. i wasn't even angry that he started dating another girl more prettier and popular than me. what i was sad about was wasting my time dreaming about him. the heartbreak was me. after that, i'm just working on me. i matter.

the worst feelings ever:
- dread
- knowing someone is angry at you
- being the third wheel in friendships
like do i exist when u need me? please don't start this again. i can't stand having bitter feelings towards anyone. it hurts me, offends me, when i'm not included or treated halfheartedly. can just one person put their whole heart into me? i promise i'll return the favor.

i love having something to look forward to at the end of the day. like play rehearsals. i don't care if my day sucked, which it kinda did today (not really, actually, but a certain someone half-assed half heartedly treats me. seriously. i avoid people like this, and YOU decide to be like that to me??? me???? do i do that to you? maybe that's why you treat me like that. because i don't. this is why i don't hang out with your group anymore. because i don't deserve to be treated passive agressively. i really don't need that. it's just the subtle things that drive me so fucking insane. saying to another friend get two seats instead of three, proving that i'm not there. paying attention to that friend only. not saying bye to me. you think i don't notice that, but it hurts. yes, just walk over me like a stupid piece of shit i'm NOT. i just can't wait till i get outta here and prove everyone wrong. for now, i'm so so so happy i'm outta that passive aggressiveness and on to nicer, yes boring, but nicer people. suck on that bitch).
takes a deep breath
i always feel 100x better and energized at the end. thank you theatre.

i feel like i'm lied to and being shaded on by one of my friends for a birthday party she's supposedly planning. she doesn't really mention anything much when i asked her about a party. not that i would be able to go. it's also my birthday as hers, and i probably have plans too (like working ugh). in school, i feel like either Michael Scott or Toby Flendersen. even though they're complete opposites, boy are they my two biggest moods. i am the living epitome of the quote " Toby is the most forgettable man on earth"

it sucks to lose yourself. i can tell myself over and over again that i will not let that person get to me, that person is not important to me, i will not think about them. but all it takes is one look across the hallway, a hold of a hand, a "what's wrong?" and i lose myself.

i truly love theatre. why haven't i discovered it before? i really feel like a happier, freer, funnier version of myself during rehearsals. i feel energized. and i love it. it's such a high for me. just kidding. but actually though. there are so many lucky people who get paid to act and have fun.

i hate when other people's negativity spreads. all it takes is for one person to give you attitude and not fully commit to your comments and be unresponsive and uncooperative for my day, that was going decently, to be ruined. seriously. and this was a fucking teacher! seriously?

my favorite weather is when it is cold (not snowy, but a biting breeze) but the sun is bright and makes everything bright and yellow. today is one of those days.

maybe i'm being melodramatic, but i feel excluded and lowkey pitied. that's why i wanna go to college. to have a fresh start, be with people i actually feel so comfortable with, be passionate, and to be individualistic. god high school is so structured and awkward.

today's my birthday, and all i want is to have a lowkey day. at this point, treating myself isn't about going on exotic vacations and throwing an extravagant party. (maybe when i become rich and famous, hmm i'll consider. at least a yacht party or something). i treat myself through korean face masks, lazily going on the Internet, looking at the fuckton of snow we have outside, watching movies, etc. i don't want be sentimental or whatever, but it snowed a lot just the day before my birthday today. and i think this is a tradition mother nature and i have. as if she remembered it was my birthday, and gave me a magical winter wonderland. a remnant from the day i came out of my mother's womb. maybe it was a sign. it's almost like global warming doesn't exist in my town. almost. sometimes, it's nice to think that the world revolves around you. it truly is.

my friend A and I both described this feeling: the calm before the storm. before a stressful event, like a test, finals, audition, whatever, you feel eerily calm. numb. almost given up. dead inside. it's scary how often i feel that.

happy moment: getting tons of notifications for writing the "what girls deserve" article and getting kind feedback. wow. this is why i support girls, and why girls should other girls. the reason why i'm especially happy is that wehearit, and my articles, express me. the genuine me. people at school wouldn't have guessed that i love 90's style, or if even cared about style at all. i feel so genuine online, even though society has always told me that nobody is true to themselves online. which may be true, but i'm not deceitful like that. those were my real thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and the fact that wonderful people around the nation hearted it and read through it and commented on it and made them inspired warms me up inside.

90% happy!!!!!, 10% not.
10% not happy because i didn't get my ideal envirothon team. but you know what? on the positive side, i can show off my leadership skills. because next year, i might have to man the boat and take charge of envirothon club. i really hope i do. this might be a chance to prove myself and practice being independent next year. also my skin was dry af.

90% happy because
1. rehearsals was great per usual. my dancing as gotten way better, and i always look forward to it.
2. i got a really good grade on my apcogo test. i love the feeling of your grades skyrocketing just before finals week.
3. my hair actually cooperated today!
4. him. him. him. it's kinda obvious, but i don't wanna make the same mistakes again and assume. but still. when the teacher called my name during attendance, through my peripheral vision, i could see him literally whip around and stare at me. not just a quick glance like "oh she's here" but like "ohhhhhhhhh...." for at least 5 seconds. (didn't look at other people, like my friend, when their names were called) also, while my friend and i were playing hangman on the board, again, from the corners of my eyes, i saw him turn to face us from a different table. like, he and this other guy next to him stared at us (at me more like) for like over 5 seconds, to the point where i actually thought, "um. he's going to plan something." and he does, like 10 seconds later and asks us this random question about whiteboards. (weird conversation starter?). then at the end of class, he goes up to me while i'm getting ready to leave and asks me about my brother:
"how's your brother?"
me: he's doing great. he's graduating this year.
"oh woww. what is he majoring in?"
me: i think computer science
"you think? you don't know?"
me: well i'm not my brother, but i'm pretty sure he is!"
like..................... the fact that i wrote a whole paragraph about him. ughghghhghgh but it does make my mind light.

for every action there is a reaction. two steps forward, one step backwards. i think this runs in the family. this must be a curse. because after having a great day today and yesterday, i was happy to end the week. but nope! life decides to be even more difficult by bombing my grade in aplac. WHY CAN"T LIFE BE STABLE FOR JUST A MINUTE!OIJ @LEWRfnskdxrg honestly i feel like at this point all the effort i've done is out the window and it's all fate. i can't change that. it's just deciding for me what rollercoaster i ride. give me a second:
sdo ukkkkkkkkkkkagh qvkeuvqejrhtkwuev jehwfjhckjdkjdfx
please make it go right please make it go right please make it go right please please please please please please please please please please please pleasse please plesas please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please

takes a deep breath
okay, so everything's not crumbling apart. it wont escalate. i just have to work hard. hope isn't lost. my parents haven't disowned me yet. i'm just stressed, but this is normal. nothing's an A- yet. yes, everything is unfair, but i just have to play by the rules. okay. okay. okay.

okay so life can get a tad bit worse. unless i work really really really hard. dear god, please let me successfully get through this week. can't believe i'm praying about my grades but finals is just ripping me apart.

yup. things get wayyyyyyyyy worse. i lost all my chances. fuck me.

update: things got even MORE worse. maybe i'm just really pessimistic. god. i wish i had hermione's time turner and went back in time, fixed everything, or at least had more time to do things and study. i wished i could go back in time and communicate better. sometimes, it pains me to move forward.

okay. okay. the things i was frightened about yesterday are resolved. i overreacted. mind you, i'm still incredibly worried about my other classes for finals. but i have to keep my hopes super low. my close friend A called me cynical. but there are just too many times where i've been optimistic, a little too hopeful, and all that just plummets. i need to stay very, very very humble at all times.

i'm tired, this weekend is gonna be stressful even AFTER finals. seriously. i just want a day of nothing! just stay home, wake up late, and replenish myself for second semester. i need a mini summer vacation. also, fuck the people who burst your bubble. don't need that negativity.

stressed. stressed. stressed. i've become so stressed that i start counting down days until i have to face it. stress. stress. stress. having so much mood swings - mostly unhappy moods. why am i like this. i want to blame it on my period, but if my life wasn't such a mess right now, then i wouldn't have to act like this way today.

awesommeee day because i got to the final rounds and got a medal for my first forensics tournament! That never happened. Also, my spanish grade is bueno, so i got that out of the way. the stress level has lowered a little. but i can't have my hopes up. i just can't. also, i always think about him. how he always glances at me in the hallways. when he looks at me, his eyes are so intense. he always looks when i'm there. i like when his eyes are on me. i feel sexy. i feel nervous. i feel womanly. i feel coy. because i know.

if ACT was a person, i would kill them without any thought. full stop.

this week is gonna be sooo stressful because of the play performances, and I'm anticipating more homework and homework. yup, first week of second semester. i hate walking into a class and not seeing anyone you know very well. like no friends. god. i feel so awkward then. also, i just realized that if i keep doing 365 thoughts in one article, this would be a hella long article. maybe i should split it up by months. eh, too lazy.

if i had a genie and he granted me three wishes, i would say:
1. make me never feel lonely or left out.
2. give me the power to go back in time and fix things
3. allow great moments to go slower and last forever.


pink, neon, and grunge image cold, fog, and foggy image

it must be the start of the month of love. because i revealed to A who i can't stop thinking about. him. now i have this almost hyperactive, anxious, gushy middle school feeling inside. i hate it. i want to control myself and not let my hopes down. but damn does lightheadedness never felt so good. she said that there is definitely some mutual connection or feeling between him and i. but i'm too scared that i'll misinterpret his stares during class or in the hallways. i'm too wimpy to initiate conversation with him. but he always talks to me and only me. is that a sign? i have no idea.

once you start, you can't stop. by now, i already told over 7 people who i had a crush on. that boy. i really hope i'm not just over interpreting everything. i overthink everything. but there are too many signs that seem off. one of his best friends is dating a sophomore, and i get this horrible image in my mind of him dating a sophomore. or dating someone not me. i feel like crying. i feel like my immature 7th grade self where i was totally boy-crazy and didn't love myself then.

the play girls like that is over. that went too quick. why do all the great moments in life go so fast? being surrounded by empowering, funny, and energetic girls is the best experience in life. this is why i live. this is why i still love.

up down up down up down up down STRESS up down up down up down STRESS.
in case you didn't get it, that's my mood constantly.

i need to stop myself from thinking about him. today i saw him and his friends laughing and talking with another girl that they went to a competition with. i used to be that girl. i used to be able to go over and talk comfortably with him. i used to not think about him. i don't even think he glanced at me. he may have, but i didn't notice, or it wasn't as frequent as it should've been. or is. technically, the girl went to him first, but. well. and i hate myself for wanting some sort of revenge. not on the girl, or even on him. on me. i want to get with another guy, befriend them, love them, have them love me, and hook up. i mean. but i don't think i'm terrible at love. i'm not seductive, but i know how to talk to people. i'm not scared of men. there's only one answer. i'm just simply ugly. i'm not that attractive. i'm not white. i just. i need to get out of here. out of wisconsin. somewhere where they celebrate diversity and people are smarter. i hate it. i need to move on. this guy's making me have such insecure thoughts, and i can't afford that. i just can not. also, i'm so sick of people getting all defensive and rude. stop testing me. i already have shit going on in my life and you aren't part of me. can't wait to graduate in one year and run the hell out of this school.

the most frustrating feeling in the world is knowing you and someone else are compatible but you guys aren't together. that's how i feel about him. maybe i'm overthinking, but i feel a mutual connection, but because of our shyness, awkward timing, we don't get to play that out. also, the act is having me go off in bonkers.

i read through my past diaries. oh man. boy has time changed. i was so hyper when i'm writing, awkward, oblivious. now i'm sorta edgy and emotionally intact. haha. not. but i was obsessing over him. him. since the beginning of high school. i read into his signs, spent an essay writing about him. i'm definitely a lot more low key. but i'm still weird.

39 and 40/365
wow. act sucks. i lost all hope i had. man. ironically, the essay prompt was about optimism and pessimism. i suck at standardized testing. i think that can be translated to "I only take the easy way out and that never worked for me." i'm such a disappointment. honestly, i've become so numb to it. i don't know what to do. i hate collegeboard. i hate everything.

i don't feel myself being a better person. i don't feel improved. i still suck at the ACT. fuck standardized tests. 2018 is gonna suck like a mother.

i'm just. trying to pull myself together. it's hard. when teachers just dump homework on you. i can't do everything in one day. it bothers me. i'm gonna get gray hair. i already have some white hair sprouting.

A told me that he glanced at me when we were walking down the hallways. a throwaway glance. but he always throw it away every time we are in the same area.

look, i don't know if i can keep up with this. this is kinda becoming a burden. why.