I never really shared it with anyone and i think i just need to tell this all out.

It all started on 1st grade, i fell in love with this boy like all the girls in class.
I sent him a love later that he threw to the trash can in front of my face but that’s something to laugh about, he was just embarrassed.
this latter though was the first and last time i told him i love him.

At fifth grade (and later around eighth grade) it looked like he was into me but nobody really did anything so time passed and I’ll never know if he really liked me at some point or it was just in my head.

I loved him for twelve years.

Maybe not full twelve years because there were long period of times i just hated him with all my heart because he was a huge douchebag.

He was in my elementary school and later on high school still in the same class so it was really easy to just love him for so long.

At some point after so many years it became more like a habit.
I hated his behavior, his overconfidence, the way he talks to girls (and boys) like shit, he didn’t really respect anyone but himself.

I was confused for years.
he was a total jerk and there were those times he could talk with someone one on one and he was cute and normal not like the jerk he was most of the time and it made me so frustrated i just couldn't stand feeling this way.

I used to hate myself and cry a lot when i was in high school, mature girl being a huge fool loving someone like him.
I was so angry at myself because i didn’t want to love him because I don’t support his behavior and he’s so different from me, I can’t bare disrespectful people I don’t bare bullies and I don’t want to say he was a bully because it wasn’t totally it but he was pretty close to that saying offensive things to others without thinking of their feelings and how what he's saying effects them.

I didn't understand god.
why my heart can’t let go?
and i know it sounds cliche but my heart didn’t let go!
I tried to tell myself I don’t love him but who was i kidding?! so eventually i just left it as it was.
my heart loved him and my head couldn't bare the thought of him.

It may sounds weird when i call it a habit but after so many years I didn’t missed him on breaks i told myself that those stupid feelings are gone- i was actually happy and relieved until i saw him on the first day and it all came back to me like it never left.

In tenth grade i came to conclusion that the day I’ll finish school will be the day this weird love/habit will end, and i was right.
I finished school almost two years ago and i never saw him, I don’t think of him anymore and he's not a missing piece in my life.

My graduation was the last day of my first love.

When i was younger i used to pray god we’ll be together i wanted him so much I thought we’ll be perfect together but now I’m just thankful things ended like that.

I’m sad for the girl that spent the most beautiful years of her life pinning over a boy who didn’t deserve her love.