Some days, I wake up and immediately feel overcome with a sense of self-loathing. Oftentimes I'll say or do something that fills with this repelling hatred for myself. Other days, I'll hate the world. I'll hate the world for being... what it is. The confusion, the anger, the regret overwhelms me like a flood. Most commonly, I'll take it out on whoever's nearest to me. What the people nearest to me don't see is that I'm really actually beating myself up about it. That's what it always comes back to, for me. I'm so self-critical that I hate that I'm self-critical. Then I'll hate that I hate that about myself and it's an ongoing cycle of truths and lies, lies and truths. What did I ever do to deserve the mere ability to think and feel and see and touch? I'm selfish and angry and pathetic and mean. You know what? The world is selfish and angry and pathetic and mean. There it is, an overlapping train of thought.

The day begins with this, carries out with this, and almost ends with this. The day is filled with moments where I want to take back something I said or instants that I just want to pass. All of this negativity that builds up on top of my self-esteem, that drains my glass until it's half empty. Until my head hits the pillow and the light clicks off, because then I smile and forgive the day's sins. How? Why? Because I am a believer. A believer in a better world. A believer in the ability to resolve. A believer in chain reactions. And that's all I need to achieve just enough personal peace to put me to sleep. Perhaps I am a terrible person. Maybe a couple minutes of belief doesn't count when I spend hours disbelieving. However, the reason why I know this is false is because it doesn't feel that way. I refuse to believe so, and because of that I can obtain a few minutes of bliss.

It pays off, you know. For each night I go to bed forgivingly, the next day I am granted less moments of self-frustration and hatred, more instants of gratitude and love. This takes time, but what does that matter? If each person can do this, by this I mean find their own little mantra, the world would start to shift piece by piece. Mine is that despite my flaws, my many many flaws, I believe. Even though I'm not quite able to show it all that often, I believe it in my soul. Always and forever, because once you find yours, you will have it forever. And that's how it happens, it starts with this. You can't fix or change the world unless you start somewhere else. It starts with yourself.

-n