Dear Father,

I cannot called you dad because you don't deserve that title. Since I was born, we didn't click. You knew that and still chose to ignore me. When I was in elementary school, that's then it went downhill. I cried, stressed, worried or was depressed whenever I knew it was your day or your weekend. From what I can remember, this happened in 3rd grade. My grades dropped, my drama with people at school increased, my number of friends decreased, and my social interaction diminished. You made my childhood hell. I remember, vividly, crying outside while you were working on your truck. You hugged me with one hand, loosely, and pushed me off. Without looking at me, you told me, "Go to your room." I was a child. I was in pain and you just shoved me off to deal with it alone. I was only 8 years old. I remember telling my mom something traumatic that happened to me and you told her I was lying. How could a 2 year old make up sexual assault? I didn't even know what that was. I was a victim and you treated me like trash. When I was 11 years old, my mom was sick of having to send me to your house when I would cry every time. She got full custody of me and I was allowed to go to your house when I pleased. I never went to your house unless it was holidays. I remember you would drive me to my aunts or uncles and you would just make me feel horrible for not hanging out with you. I was so young I thought it was my fault. I thought that I was hurting you, but you had hurt me since I was born. I didn't owe you a damn thing. I remember you would have everyone in your family make me feel horrible for not visiting you or not having a relationship with you. Nobody ever cared about how I would feel. To you father, you crushed me. You are the sole of my depression and my anxiety. You are the reason I am afraid to love and don't know how a man is suppose to treat me. As a father you should've taught me that. You should walk me down the isle, but little do you know Ray will. He's the only father figure I have. I have kept so much inside, I have blamed myself for our relationship deformities when really it's you. It isn't me. I am not awkward and I am not hard to talk too. But I am tired of you and your family blaming me, when it is you. You were suppose to be there through all my struggles in middle school and high school. You were suppose to be someone I could trust and someone I could confide in, but instead you're nothing but a donor. I have a lot of anger and spite towards you, but also sadness and confusion. Why? Why did you have to hurt me? Because your dad hurt you? That isn't an excuse. You should go through life seeing other people's mistakes and not repeating them. But instead you repeated them, not caring who you would hurt in the process. You left me and broke me just like your dad did to you. But I have learned two things from this, I will not let me child have a father that is selfish, careless, abusive, and as shitty as you. I am also glad you weren't here, because I have learned so much from Ray then I could ever have learned from you. You said to me when I was 14 or 15 years old, "I only see you as a friend, not my daughter." You said that to hurt me, and you did. You also break my heart all over again when I see you so what's the point in seeing you? You have no right to expect me to want to come see you when you didn't want to spend anytime with me when I was growing up. I would sit in my room and play with your girlfriend at the time or by myself? What the hell is wrong with you? I should hate you for all you've done to me. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. You go around living your life as if you've done nothing wrong, but the truth is, you're selfish. All you ever cared about were your feelings, your wants, and your needs. I was just a pawn in your game of lies. And even though I know I will never get an apology I deserve, I forgive you because I owe it to myself to heal and I owe it to myself to move on. I just want you to know that because of what you've done to me I try to find the love you never gave me, in other people and how many times I cried at night because I didn't have a father. You think of the person in the mirror and not your child in the shadows. You've also put extra work on my mom to be a father and a mother. She also has to be my shoulder when I cry because of your a shitty person. She has been the one always there and she will get so many blessings from that while you die alone and cold. I hope you realize how pathetic you are to give up on your own child. Someday you'll cry for me, like I cried for you. Someday you'll miss me, like I missed you. Someday you'll need me, like I needed you. Someday you'll love me, but I won't love you.

Love, your only child