If this year was a movie, I would name it ''Broken promises’’. Promises of love, promises of friendship, promises of success.

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Almost a month ago, I started a challenge called ''2017 Contemplation’’ and I am really glad that many of you liked it and it made you think. Now it’s time for me to contemplate on my 2017 and while doing that, I am sure that I won’t be able to hold back the tears.

Last year I felt like I am the happiest girl on this planet. I had my two best friends, good grades, new job and I was volunteering in an organization that fulfilled me. But the most important thing? I was carefree, hopeful, my heart and my soul were healed and free.

On 31.12.2016. I was with those two best friends and people from the organization where I was volunteering. Honestly, I was drunk 24h, we were really wild and we just wanted to have fun. Suddenly, when I saw 00:00 on my phone, I started crying. Everyone around me was hugging and kissing, but I ran outside and I just cried inconsolably. When my friend asked me what’s wrong, I told her that I have this feeling that this year will change me and that I will lose someone who I love. There is no way that I can explain how I knew that. I just did. I guess that I have a good intuition, and really... I wasn’t wrong.

2017 started and as days passed by, I thought that the panic attack I had on New Year’s Eve was just a result of my past and all the fears and traumas I held inside. The feeling of being the happiest girl on this planet continued. Thanks to the organization I already mentioned, I met many new people from all over the world – Australia, Turkey, China, Italy etc. One of them became my close friend. We were so alike, we even dressed like we are sisters. Also, we were going out a lot and I felt like I am a part of something special that not many people get to experience. Movie nights and nights out where many nations and cultures are together, and they are all laughing, feeling united and sharing stories from their countries and lives. It reminded me that no matter where we live, we are all the same.

I didn’t have time for anything, but I was happy. I felt like a businesswoman, all grown up. I was signing contracts, scheduling the meetings with directors, writing new articles almost every day and my creativity bloomed like never before. That was it, I thought that 2017 is my year. F*ck the tears on first January, I can be wrong too! You will shine this year, I thought to myself.

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When I thought that it can’t get better, I met a guy from another country and we fell in love. It was intense, fast and consuming. We didn’t have much time because soon, he was leaving, so we spent almost every day together and we were never bored. He made me reconsider every belief and opinion I had. He made me feel safe and loved again. We were both a little (a lot?) broken and I know that back in those days, we thought the same – we were meant to meet and to fall in love.

’’We are staying together, I promise’’, he said a few nights before he left. As you can guess, all that he said was either a lie or a result of those crazy moments that we had. He left and he took all the promises with him. It’s pathetic and sad, but I believe that that was a trigger for my depression being back. I was fighting with that for three years and I thought that I have won, but depression is like a drug. Even if you stop taking drugs, you will always be an abstainer with the risk of taking it again.

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Parallel with that break-up, my best friend, the one with whom I was on New Year’s Eve, told me that our friendship is over. She told me so many bad things, including that all this time she was jealous of me and that she doesn’t feel good in my presence anymore. Then my palace started to go down. Brick by a brick. I didn’t pass any exam in that period, I was late with my articles and I started a new relationship that made me feel even worse. The funniest thing? That was my longest relationship but the two of us were too alike in a bad way. It’s like the worst part of me loved the worst part of him, and we were both too dominant, so we couldn’t function together.

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Feeling broken again, I gave another chance to my best friend who asked me to forgive her and to try again because we knew each other for almost 10 years. So, I did. We even went together on a trip and that’s where I learned that she will never change on better. She was still toxic, jealous and she was always talking just about herself. She didn’t care about me or even us, she was just afraid to be alone. That’s when I cut it off for good and it’s been more than a month since we last spoke.

I thought that I already had enough, but the universe or whatever it is, didn’t think so. My other best friend started a new relationship and he is talking less and less with me, every day. I feel that I am losing him and I am not even surprised. I am so used to losing. This year gave me everything and it took everything away from me.
My job, my volunteering organization.. it’s all going down too. It doesn’t satisfy me anymore. I feel like nothing at all completes me anymore. Tbh, I have so many things ahead of me that should be enough for me to feel happy, but I don’t look forward to anything. I feel so empty, so tired... It’s like... I believe that everything I start will crumble. Everything I have, I will lose it. Everything is so temporary. It scares me. I know that I am a fighter because I have been through much worse things, but I feel like I have no strength or will left. I just want this year to end. I need a clean start. I want this palace that I have built, to fall down for good! No bricks left! I want to unthink and to unfeel everything from 2017. I want all this behind me. I don’t have any expectations from 2018, just new beginning. Oh, universe... let me start again.

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If anyone has read this at all, I apologize for this being so long. I needed to get this off of my chest, the burden was so heavy. For me, the best way to liberate myself is through words.

And if anyone is going through the same mental and inner battle, be strong. I always remind myself – if the bad came, so will the good. It the good ended, so will the bad!