I have decided to share the thoughts that I've written down throughout this year. These little texts tells what I've been feeling since the beginning of 2017.

"I don't know why I feel this way about you
and it's really frustrating."

"I don't like this feeling.
This feeling of not really feeling anything.
It's like I'm numb inside... but at the same time, I feel too much at once."

"Just because I think about him all the time, doesn't mean that I still like him, does it?"

(unknown date)
"I just wanna get drunk and make out someone.
Someone that can't be you."
- lonely nights

"Now I'm sitting here again,
writing words you'll never see."

"I don't know what to do, everything is ruined.
I know how you feel now, although I already knew before.
You know how I feel now, and I wish you didn't.
Because I don't want things to change.
I love you,
and I just wished that you loved me back, but thats just how it is.
You don't have to be so rough on yourself, it's not your fault, it's mine.
You're not the one hurting me, I am.
It's my own fault that I'm not over you, when you've moved on.
And it's not fair that you're scared to get close to anyone, just because you're scared of hurting them.
You deserve someone,
someone who loves you as much as I love you,
even though I'm sad it can't be me..."

(unknown date)
"So don't worry about me, I just need some time to get over you.
Gosh, I hope that I can get over you.
- i want this day to end

(unknown date)
"I just feel so extremely pathetic for thinking and writing about you all the fucking time, because I know you're not thinking about me at all..."

"Why do I suddenly miss you, when it's been feeling like moving on.
It was me that ended it,
so why do I suddenly miss you?"
- thoughts on my pillow

"I never know what I want,
oh god,
my mind is such a mess."
- that night

"It's all good right now, I don't really think about you anymore.
Because he makes me really happy and I think that was what I needed.
Maybe I was over you,
maybe it was just comfortable holding on..."
- I'm better now

"I think I love him."

"It's only been a couple hours since I saw you and I already miss you like hell.
I need to wait a week before you come home again."

"I miss you so much,
and it's really hard not seeing that often..."
- come home to me

"I just don't understand why you did it...
Am i not enough for you?
Now I'm sitting here, writing and crying, with pain in my hand and heart,
because I punched a wall yesterday,
drunk and broken as I was."
- why?

"I told you that I love you."

"I'm seeing him tomorrow, and I don't know what to expect...
Everyone says: Fuck him, dumb him.
But I just can't,
I love him too much."
- I hope that you make it up to me

"I'm so scared to lose you..."

(unknown date)
"You've been ignoring me lately and it really sucks, because I don't even know what I did wrong and I'm scared that I'm going to lose you. But you're all I have and all I need, so please don't leave just because I'm not good enough."

"All I need right now, is to hear you say: 'I love you'"

"Why do I like talking to him so much?"

"I really miss you, and I hope that I get better, so I can see you..."
- i hate being sick

"It's kinda weird that I talk more with him,
than with you."

"I don't really know about you anymore.
It doesn't feel like you love me,
and I keep wondering if you like her.."

(unknown date)
"Everytime I love someone, I just end up getting hurt."

"Sometimes it feels like you're so far away..."

"What we did was wrong."
- with his friend

"It just feels like you don't want me anymore,
and that feeling
- I feel so lonely

"You're so mad and disappointed now and I don't blame you.
I wish it never happened,
but it did.
And the only thing I can do, is to tell you that I love you and that I'm sorry."

"... but please forgive me, like I forgave you."

"I think my 'cigarette wish' has been for us to be alright too many times now."
- "I wish for us to be alright"

"Why do I feel like this,
everytime I'm

"It's hard to concentrate on exams, when all I can think about
is you."

"I liked us better in the beginning..."
- 3 am thoughts

"Why do you always make me so sad?"

"I'm so dumb.
Why did I do this to myself again...
I just can't help it, I love you too much.
And now you won't even see me or talk to me,
it hurts so fucking bad.
I love you."
- drunk and high at 4 pm

"I fuck everything up..."

"It's so painful, to just wait for you to figure out, what you're feeling."
- please don't leave me

"You said that you wanted a break...
But while you're probably fine,
I'm laying here,
with music turned up so loud,
that no one can hear me crying."
- i don't know what to do anymore

"Everything is so fucked up right now and I just need you so bad, so please don't leave me for good."

"I know that he would treat me better than you do,
but I just can't stop loving you..."

"I think we're done,
and when I think about it,
my heart begins to hurt."

"I know that you hate when people hurt themselves,
so isn't it ironic,
that you're the reason I did it?"

"I really don't get you.
You get to move on and kiss whoever you want,
but I can't?
If only you knew
how much I've cried because of you."

"I fucking hate her.
I hate everything right now.
I just wish that I could sleep forever,
or at least 'till all of this is over..."

"What should I do?
Confusion and drama just keeps coming...
I know that if I'm with his friend this friday, something is going to happen.
I don't know where we stand,
and I don't know if I can do it to you.
Also, I don't know if I can handle the drama that will follow."

"I thought I was beginning to forget you a little bit,
but seeing you yesterday
made me realise,
that I'm far from getting over you...
It hurts seeing you,
and seeing you with her.
Because I still love you so fucking much."

"I'm so stupid for kissing you,
because you're not mine anymore.
I don't think you're ever anyones really.
Its just really to leave you alone, when I still love you,
and when you show interest in me, all the feelings come right back.
I know that I'm dumb and its stupid,
but I'm always hoping for you to come back to me."

"You're probably just using me,
and the worst part it,
that im fine with it."

"I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore.
I do stupid things all the fucking time..."

"I just wanna know if you miss me, because how you act is confusing me. Did that night mean anything to you?
If you forget about her for at second, did any of it mean anything to you?
Maybe you just came crawling back to me, because she wasn't there.
I really wanna text you and ask you all of this,
so there could be a chance of me getting closure,
but im too scared."

"You make me smile so easily,
you make me cry so easily."

"I'm so scared of getting attached again."

"I already miss him, but I don't want to..."

"Your'e seriously so confusing, and you don't know, that everything you say, stays with me.
So please just stop giving me these false hopes, 'cause if I actually meant anything to you, we wouldn't be apart."
- about last night

"He actually likes me, so why do I keep holding on to the hope of you?"

"Why do I keep messing up?
I know that you don't love me, but I keep coming back to you anyways.
What am I doing?"

"I slept with your hoodie, just to keep the dream about you alive."

"Tomorrow is a new start.
It terrifies me, that I don't know what it will bring..."

"A lot has happened these past few weeks.
It feels like she is leaving us behind, but I know that it's for my brothers best. I just don't know how to feel or what to think.
It feels like our family has been torn."

"He is the only thing that makes me happy right now, even though he's so far away..."

"He makes me so happy, even at this time, when everything is chaos. I just forget everything else, when I'm talking to him, or when I'm finally with him. Who know that I would ever feel this way again.
But the distance,
the distance is so hard..."

And then my notebook was filled out.