i had never been in love with anyone before you. i had thought people were beautiful, but the exterior is nothing you can love since it is nothing more than superficial, it's shallow, there's no depth to fall into like you can in ones soul.

and before i even knew the beauty of your exterior, i fell for your soul. what lies behind. and you were unique from the others, you stood out, because you were so deep. i never stopped falling. most of the others were like a cup of noodles, a lot of value on the surface, but nothing more than air in the bottom to make it seem that the cup was full. but you were something new. your cup was indeed full. i had never seen that in anyone else

it was all the little things you did. sometimes, you could make me laugh until i cried. sometimes you looked at me in a way that i can't even describe. i felt loved, even if you didn't. but sometimes it was just the things you said, the way your brain worked. it was laced with such an intellect and beauty. you were broken, but i didn't think your scars defined you. you were so much better than the sadness eating off of you. sometimes it was your dammed smile. such a beautiful fucking smile. it was one of those were if they smiled, you couldn't help but to do the same. and those eyes...after a while, when i looked up into the sky, i couldn't see colors. i saw your eyes. and then i started seeing you everywhere. i started seeing you in things i said, in things i saw, in things i heard. you were engraved into my mind. always present.

but no i wasn't feeling this. i couldn't. i was in denial because partly, i was scared. terrified actually. because i have never felt this for anyone before. I had never fallen from this height, and really, not from any height to begin with. i wasn't afraid of heights, i was afraid of falling because i knew deep down that if i was falling it must've meant that i was plummeting down to the bottom resulting in the inevitable, imminent ground. and i knew that it would hurt. a lot. but what i didn't know was that when you fall, you don't decide when you jump. your heart does, and before your brain realizes it, there you are. plummeting down. And even if your brain knows it doesn't mean that you want to accept it. sometimes the person you're falling for is someone you don't want to fall for. so, you try to keep denying it so that maybe, just maybe, you can convince the laws of gravitation to let you float back up again. or maybe, like a pinch on your arm, you wake up. back to reality, like it had never happened so you can go on. But you can't. you're doomed. You're fucked. and this can only end in one way;

either the person you're falling for catches you before you hit the bottom,

or the cruel reality of it only being an empty space. you smash into the bottom alone. and you have to pick up your broken bones and glue them back together and try your best to walk away

but i was in love. so of course i wanted the first option, just like any other girl. time went on and i kept everything in the dark because...well...some things are better left unsaid, and that's that. we were friends, and i was deeply in love, and that's not how it's supposed to be; and i wanted to stick to things being normal rather than them being out of order and risking to loose you.

then one night rock bottom finally came, and you left. you were gone. absent. i found out how you really thought of me. you didn't care, you never did. and you didn't even think twice about leaving me the way you did. you set fire to all bridges that crossed between us. just in one text. and you explained, you did, but i never understood.

and i have tried to glue myself together since the fall, but some part of me doesn't want to. some part of me still wants to lay in the depths, deep, deep down in you. you're the best person i have ever known, and the feeling i had when i was around you, when you were in my life, is one that i don't think i ever want to let go of. but i'll have to, because nothing stays the same. and as much as i want you to take everything back and apologize, trust me, that's all i want, but i also know that it wont end well so don't come back. please. i fell for the wrong person. i fell for someone that didn't care about me. and at some point i'll find someone that will make me feel the way you made me feel, but they will love and cherish me, and until then, i'll have to glue myself together.

so, my love, as hard it is for me to say this, i have to let go. i have to glue myself together. and i have to walk away even if i am madly in love with you, because it's for the best. but know that you'll always be special to me, trust me, because even if you don't know, god knows that you were my first love.