I apologise for not writing lately. I have just lost my grandfather, whom is very dear to me that I felt so lost. Lost for words. Became clueless on how to begin a good story. I became so occupied with work and looking after my family's well being that I really do not know how to get back on track which is, writing. And everytime I took out my phone to begin writing my heart out, it doesn't pour as much as I wanted it to. Hence, I always tell myself to stop.

So, here it is. A short article for you to read on what have been on my mind lately.

Everytime I smile, it somehow feels wrong. Everytime I laugh, it somehow feels wrong. It is like somebody is telling me to not be happy everytime a hint of smile or laughter came across my face or voice. I stopped myself abruptly should I feel that I'm being overboard in being happy.

I told myself that I want to sit down, have some space between myself and the people around me and write my heart out. However, nothing seems to be pouring out from my heart. I tell myself that maybe I am not ready to write. I am not sure if I am healing or just trying to lived life accepting and adapting to changes. But I am very sure that whenever I think of you, my heart sank. Whenever I tried to imagine your presence walking around the house, imagine to hear your voice talking to me, my heart starts to sob.

I am still so broken at the fact that you're not here anymore. The house atmosphere is different without you. Sometimes, I hope so much in my heart that I could dream of you and tell you how much I love you because I feel as though the love I have previously shown wasn't enough.

You were my hero. You were the family's pillar of strength. You are like my own dad (I have always preferred you over my own dad and treated you as one). You were always so supportive of the family and always so reliable to turn to. You pampered me. You pampered all of your grandchildren. You feed the family by buying food, house appliances etc even though knowing that you do not have enough for yourself. You always go beyond even though you know that your health is deteriorating and not strong anymore. You are very generous, strong, fierce, loving and smart. You are everything that nothing or anyone could ever replace.

You have always been on my mind and will always be. I pray to Allah that you will not suffer and I pray that you will always be safe and be under good hands on the other side of the world. Amin. I love you.