I think you get something important when less you are especting it. I admit I'd never considered this idea as possible, but I found out it was kinda true.
I wasn't expecting what happened, all the chaos of being a teenager that implies doubts, fears and stupid problems mixed with a really "mental-trip" about my last years, from the end of middle school, when smiling I was shouting to everyone that finally I would have changed my life; expecting fireworks and alcohol and cigarettes and sex during high school, till now. In the middle of the last year, four and a half years later more or less (and no, I didn't fail, in Italy we are so lucky that we have five long years of high school) not completely ready to leave my high school life, but pretty tired of my actual routine made of anxiety, insomnia, tears and stupid moments with friends.
If I have to be totally honest I'd loved high school even if it wasn't as I expected to be and I found out it neither wasn't as easy as I thought. I literally passed nights studying, sleeping just four hours to wake up and revision again, and at eight go to classes, see the text and fall in a totale form of pure panic beacuse I could only answer one question "name and surname".
In add to all this magic world there are other wonderfull problems: guys, sex, existencial problems. This mix brought me in the darkest bottom of my head. Sex wasn't as I dreamt, it was with the wrong guy, at the wrong age in the wrong condition and I suffered a lot till I realised that it could be something better than that in the world. In my case I had sex with guys, so my first problems were them. I couldn't find what I was looking for, plus I'm freaking naive and stupid so a strong personality with an oratorical skill well developed could tie my mind to him and make me do and think whatever he wanted. I'm still working on this point because I really can't understand when someone is fooling me. From this two experiences born the existencial doubt. Every single night I was lying on the bed, watching the dark ceiling thinking and thinking and thinking, calculating, reasoning, criticising, doing everything to fine errors and how to fix them if they were still fixable. I passed like this three years and some more months, then I understood what was wrong. I wasn't acting as myself, I was acting as someone I wanted to be and that everyone else around me wanted me to become. But who wasi I? The girl that I could see in the mirror or someone else? And if the girl who is watching me straight in the eyes would be as perfect as the fake me?
I stopped everything, I started acting exactly as my brain and my hart and my senses was shouting me to do and my life changed. I found friends, I found happiness, I found peace and a little part of myself.
I don't wanna say that I'm now a woman because I'm not, I'm a high school girl, but I wanna tell this to every doubtful girl: follow what you think is best, always. Be yourself. It really helps.
(Sorry for my despicable English)