I wanted
to run
but I guess
you weren't done

-

He's doing it again. Smiling at me, giving me that look, making the stars pale in comparison to his eyes. I thought I would be able to avoid him from the moment he walked in to the moment I could leave. I even looked out to see when he would come and then made sure I never bumped into him in any way.

Of course there were times during the period where I had to run pass him to get somewhere and when I did, his eyes were on me while I controlled myself and made sure I didn't look his way.

I so badly wanted him to come up to me, to say hi, to even give me some form of encouragement, but it appears I've been initiating everything, both directly and indirectly. I hate that I care too much and that I'm putting in all the effort but he doesn't do anything at all. I know that to truly care, you shouldn't be expecting anything back so that you won't get hurt. I really did care, for a while, until I realised what was happening and I just couldn't come to terms with the fact that I was caring for someone who obviously barely noticed me.

Whatever, I thought. I just need to avoid him and the most I could give was a 'hi' and a 'bye', but if I could help it, I wouldn't even bother. It just so happened that when I went to the table to say bye to my two friends, he was nearby and I was standing so close to him and when I said 'bye', he looked up.

It wasn't meant for him but because he looked at me as if he was expecting me to look at him too, I did, and I forced myself to smile. He smiled back and the way he does it just lights up my world, and though I expected him to say 'bye' to me as well, he ends up striking up a conversation because we haven't spoken in quite a while. We haven't spoken because I had been avoiding him.

And that kills it all. I'm laughing at his jokes and he's laughing at the situation and it's just pure happiness again for those few minutes and when he finally says 'bye' to me and I leave, I'm still filled with pure joy. But this delight is so overwhelming that it makes me sad again that whatever care and concern shown during the conversation was not care and concern for me at all, just casual remarks.

Only if we didn't talk, but it couldn't be helped. I indirectly initiated the conversation by just being there, but I realised he started it. We should never have spoken, I should never have let him talk. But either way, I wanted him to do so anyway.

V. A. H.

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