What's the right decision? What should I do? What if I do this or that?

These were the questions running through my mind everyday for the past years.
You know this is some personal stuff, but as I won't go in details, I just want to tell about it.

I'm 20 years old. I have been in many relationships. I don't actually think I could count them.
No, I'm not a whore because of that. I just wasn't sure about my feelings. I wasn't sure about my thing. I never was... until three days ago.

I finally got it. Well, that's not the right word... I finally noticed, I perceived, I realised. I realised that I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to decide and I'm not ready to connect my life to another.

It was a fucking long way to get here. All that doubting and hesitating and thinking about it and being unsure... it's finally got to an end.
It might sound weird, bitchy, whatever I don't care, but I just could not stay loyal. I cheated on two of my boyfriends, and no I wasn't proud, but I did it and you know, EVERYTHING has a reason. But it was so hard to find that reason, and on my way I hurt someone that would never ever have deserved it.

My ex-boyfriend still loves me, he would have forgiven me for cheating on him. And I WANTED to change, and I WANTED to love him back. He did and still would do everything and anything for me. But what can I do if I don't love him?? If I don't have that feeling of belonging together and being made for eachother?? I believe that this feeling exists and that I would once feel it too. Sadly, he felt it with me.

I wanted to love him back, but I couldn't. I didn't want to hurt him, but I had to. I could neither lie to myself nor to him. I had to break up.

It was the hardest decision of my life so far. Because I knew he was going to suffer if I do it. But is it bigheaded or egoistic to care about my own feelings more than of others'? Is it a mistake to say, I want you to be happy, but myself, too?

He has a personality that I've never experienced before. He loves me with all his heart and would give me anything if I'd ask for it, but still I can't love him. Because I didn't develop the feeling. I mean, THE feeling, you know what I mean?

If I plan to spend my life with somebody, I don't want to have doubts. I want to be able to say and feel, "Yes, this is right." I don't want to question my feelings all the time. If I plan to marry someone, I want to be sure about my love towards them. I don't think that's something bad.

It was a long way, but now I'm relieved. Now I know, this was the right decision; for me. Finally.

Thanks for reading. See you soon. :)

PS.: If I could talk to my younger self, I would tell her not to be in any relationships until college. :'D