Have you ever been so deeply in love that you were blinded by what was happening ? I was unfortunately tangled myself in this situation for the past 5 years of my life. I know that I was partly at fault for letting it drag as long as I did, but he was my best friend and I couldn't control my feelings. To be honest to this date I have no idea why I feel for him as hard as I did. I can say truthfully that he was the first person I ever loved. It is hard sitting here and writing about it because the memories keep flashing back and it's heartbreaking, but talking about it helps and I hope this story helps someone that is stuck in the same situation as me.

Quick back story, I've know this person my whole life but we really got close 8 years ago. We started as good friends, we were goofing around a lot and it was all fun and game, we would text often and just be chilling and having a great time. Fast forward to 3 years later I started having feeling, which at first thought it was just because I spent all my free time with this person, but later on I realized that it was much more than that. I didn't say anything and kept repressing my feelings. He used to talk to me about his girls he liked, and yeah I felt jealous, but I wanted him to be happy so when he needed advice I was listening to him and tried my best to help him out, or give him my advice while giving him my honest opinion. A few years later I finally told him how I felt, but he was seeing someone and we never really spoke about it because he said he didn't want to hurt me or hurt himself by talking about it, so I waited. A couple months later we had our first moment (which he initiated), and we got closer and closer and he started pushing me away. Whenever he felt like it, he would make me believe that he felt for me the same as I did for him, and I was so blinded by my feelings that I let this drag for the past 4 years. I could never get into a relationship with another guy because he was all I wanted. All the times he pushed me away it made me miserable and made me wonder what I had done wrong. He made me doubt myself all the time and I kept apologizing for voicing how much he hurt me because he would reverse the situation and truly make me think that I was the one overreacting and that I was in the wrong for even doubting anything he would say.

Never have I got a real compliment from him, only critics about how I looked, how I talked, how I thought, all that I was or said was wrong to him. He would say that to me jokingly most times, but when he was really angry his jokes were said in a hurtful way. I wanna make it clear that he's not to blame, I'm at fault too. I should've been smarter and just left the first time he pushed me away and made me feel like pure shit, but I stayed and stayed, and let him destroy the little bit of confidence I had left in me. I felt like I was a boomerang he kept throwing knowing it would return eventually. I let his words affect me, I let his words prevent me from being happy, I stated having anxiety and panic attacks. I lived in this world of pain, I really thought I deserved all the words he said to me. It wasn't all bad, I have wonderful memories with him, but the bad outweighs the good by far. I saw him treat his friends the way I always wished he would treat me; with love and respect. I opened up to him as much as I could about when I was hurt and at first he would understand, but now that I think about it, he never really got it. His understanding was not permanent but temporary. Things would be great for a week or so and would quickly go back to the how it was. The past year he would actually get annoyed by me bringing the issues up. He would tell me, are we really going to have this conversation for the 37th time ?

I was at a place where I wished I had never meet him. That life would be easier if I was like clementine in the movie '' Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind''... I wished that all memories of him would be erased from my brain. I've experience the worst heartbreak of my life, not because he didn't want to be with me, or because he didn't feel the same way as I did, but mostly because I lost myself in all that mess. I started smoking weed everyday just to feel better, I did enjoy the high, but just because it made me feel better for the time being. I thought that this was what I deserved, when really I deserved so much more. He was my friend before all, he should've never let anything happen between us if he never felt the same way, since he was the one that didn't love me... It's simple you don't love or you're not attracted to someone, don't do shit with them, specially if they love you. He should've never gave me false hope, he should've treated me like a friend and put boundaries, instead he would initiate things and make me feel like I was trash after by ignoring me, so I would be stuck in this cycle of self-doubt and hurt. I know that deep down he had feelings for me, but he was ashamed of my weight, which he made a comment on last year and thanks to that comment I got myself together and lost most of my overweight. All that to say, to you that is reading, if someone ever made you feel like your anything less than perfect, get out of that relationship, whether it's friendship or romance. You deserve the world, you deserve happiness, you deserve someone that will remind you how awesome you are when you are starting to doubt it yourself. I've learned that they're definitely not the one if they make you miserable. I'm done self-destructing myself chasing someone that never really cared about me, I don't ever want to be someone secret or second choice again, because now I know what I deserve and I deserve to be treated with love and respect just like I treat others. From experience holding on to someone will only end up destroying you, because truth is, the person that made you feel that way is living life like nothing happened, because if they really cared they would never put you in a position where you would doubt their feeling but mostly doubt yourself.

When Stephen Chbosky said in the perks of being a wallflower : '' We accept the love we think we deserve'' he was right... don't EVER let someone bring you down and if you get stuck in a situation where you're hurting remember the happiest you have ever been and aim to feel that way, it will push you to do better for yourself, because at the end of the day, how will you really love someone if you don't love yourself.