So hey guys, as you can read in the caption I try to raise awareness about mental health. The movement is growing and I, as a affected person, feel responsible to spread it. Not only because of myself, but because I would've been thankful to read something like this when I was in danger. In danger of myself and my suicidal thoughts.
So I thought I'd tell my story on here.
But I'm also doing it for myself. I want to tell my story. I always dreamt about telling my story to get it off my chest. To be heard. To be cared about.
Enough of explaining myself. If you're interested keep on reading. If not – I'm not mad.



So. My story begins in my early primary school years. I was a happy child but also a child that was too good, pure, naive and innocent for this world. I always believed in the good in people so I gave them every second, third, forth chance I could. For my own bad. For example my best friends at that time. They were normal kids. Making friends, fooling around and joking about others. But mostly about me (at least that's how I felt). It was mean, personal and it happened all the time. It hurt me. But I didn't let it on. I thought no one would be that mean if the person didn't deserved it. So I thought I deserved it and let them go on. The point was I didn't deserve it. And the more often they teased me, the more it hurt. So this was the primary school for me. I developed a severe insecurity.
As high school came I was so insecure and unsatisfied with myself that I didn't have the courage to make friends on my own. The girl from primary school was in my class aswell so I chained myself to her and watched her making friends while I was just tolerated. I was that quiet girl, tagging along but not having much to say in the group. Soon they called me strange and other names and I, again, thought I deserved it. I let them repress me. Over and over. My selfworth was shrinking more and more until I was as little I was from the outside on the inside. No self-esteem, no self-worth. Only self-loathing and hate towards myself. I was (and am still) an intelligent girl but the whole pressure from the inside and the outside made me a poor student. My grades were getting worse and worse. My social life almost exclusively happened in the internet. I drowned myself in fandoms, music, tv shows, bands and role plays. To escape my real life. The time on social media also tired me. I didn't practice any sportive activities because I was scared of the people. I was alone. I had no real friends. The ones I thought were friends were excluding my from meet ups and were verbally harassing me (as in calling me on the mobile and calling me a whore, bitch, asshole, not worth living and cripple). Thoughts of being worthless and not appreciated on this planet grew. My last option was changing schools. But that didn't help... It went on, the same way.
A little closer to the present, the year 2016. My alcohol consumption was on a critical level. I had panic attacks because of my weakened mind. But I was in therapy. Didn't help much though. So I lived my („poor“) life, gave a f*ck about my health, didn't care about anything in life. Just walking blindly to my (imagined) soon end. I told myself, I won't make it until 2017. I thought about taking my life. I thought about the best way to do it. But I was too scared to do it. So I drank more alcohol, smoked more cigarettes, had more panic attacks. Hated myself more and more. Thought about cutting... but I didn't do it because I was ashamed of the scars it would leave. I had several mental and emotional breakdowns where I cried my lungs out. I slept soooo long these months. I had no life. Until the panic attacks were so severe I was scared of my own mind. („The mind is a prison that you can't escape“ was a very striking quote to describe my feelings). So I called the emergency hotline for mental health. I told them everything and did something I never had in mind. They reported me to a clinic. I never thought that would be necessary. I thought all this f*cking sh*t was normal.
I spent a whole 6 months in this clinic. 6 exhausting, emotional and strengthening months. They were the best, most helpful and intimate months in my whole life. I learnt so much. About coping with depression, anxiety disorder and lacking self-worth. I learnt so much about enduring those depths depression keeps for us. So much about building self-worth. So much about loving oneself. I learnt so much about myself. I learnt that I actually love art. Nature. Actually talking to people. I learnt to let all my repressed feelings out. Let it be through painting, screaming, punching a punching bag. Running. And so on.

But most importantly I learnt how to take my own problems seriously. How to know that I'm worth it to be cared about, by myself AND by others.

I'm 21 years old. And I learnt so much until know. And let me tell you. I'm fine now. I'm actually pretty good. I got an apprenticeship. I got my friends. I got my family. I got my passions. And I got my self love. Only because, for once, I took my pain seriously.

My message is: please don't think that hating yourself is normal. Or hurting yourself. Or letting others repress you. Because all they see is what they want to see. Not how you really are. So please learn how and who you really are. And appreciate it.
Also: if you recognize yourself in this text I advice you to seek help. You're not crazy or strange or weak if you do it. You're strong. And it's a first sign of self-worth.
And for last: Mentally challenged or ill people aren't any different from „sane“ people. They have the same personality pattern as others. They aren't weaker or crazy or „contagious“. Please treat us the same as normal, mentally healthy people.