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I knew we were different from the very beginning.
Yet in some ways, we connect.
Got along so well it scared us.
Went for it, believed with all our heart that it would work out well. It did.

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Did it all, gave you all and you left me.

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Broke your heart once, and you broke mine ten times worse.
Left me in pieces. cried for nights and days.

Back in my life, only to fuck and have fun.

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Naive, i played along. Only to realise it hurts way more to only be friend with you.
'Do you still love me?', was the only thing i was worried about for days, then months.

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Never got an answer. Never knew what you feel.

Found out one day, that you there's some other girl.
Cried again like never before. never been this hurt.

Broken pieces of my heart broke into even smaller pieces, making it harder to survive.

Started questioning my existence. My whole life came down to this.

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Compared myself to her. Lost my self esteem.
Thought about all the things we had, all we've done and been through.
I couldn't understand why. Why that girl ?
What does she have that i didn't ?

Couldn't imagine you being happier with her than with me without hurting.
It hurt. it really did, in all its forms.
You hurt me.

Broke my heart, hurt me, now playing with my feelings.
Why did you play games ?

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Gave you all, you tossed it away.

Couldn't see me hurting, too busy living life and having fun.
Too busy partying to focus on my pain.

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Never's been so obsessed with what you're doing. Spent time stalking, trying to find out what's keeping you from giving me all.

Tried finding out why you wouldn't commit to me as you promised.

Learned you were dating that girl.
Ask you about it. But you denied.
Tried believing you so hard. It felt easier that way.

Came other days where i found more about you and that girl.
Could help but ask you again about it.
More that just once or twice.

You denied. Again.

That thought of you with her tormented me so bad i had to talk to you about it.
Talks turned into arguments.
Arguments became our routine.

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Stopped talking for days. Couldn't live without hearing from you.
Tried calling your phone, tried texting. You wouldn't answer.

Imagined scenarios in my head about the worst that could happen to me. Believed you had forgotten all about me now that you're with her.
Thought the moments we've spent together just didn't matter anymore.
Tried make you see from my point of view. tried making you understand what it was that i was feeling. Tried it all. Explained that it was hurting so bad i couldn't help but feel pained. In vain.

Why would you have sex with me and not wanna talk about how i felt ?
How could you have used me ?

Did it all, helped him when he needed my help.Was there always when he needed me.
Asked for favors he never returned.

Fucked me whenever he wanted.
Too blind to see he wouldn't ever commit.
Was way to happy to see him and be with him, to focus on what was on his mind.

Hung out sometimes. Made me happy he would still spend time with me.
He was spending time with me though. Maybe he had some feeling for me.
He kept me in his life. Helpless and hopeless as i was, i stayed.
Made me happy occasionally. Hurt me more.

Had me stressed, always worrying what was and what wasn't.
Always wanting to see the good in all the bad.
Had my hopes up. Prayed for it to get better.

It didn't. We changed. He changed. I changed.
Complained about it. Blamed myself for it all for way too long. Believed it to be all my fault.

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Had my friends telling me how bad you were for me.
Always had the support of my bestfriends.

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How hurtful, painful and chaotic my life was, only i can know.
Arguments over facts, over nothing.
Held onto my heart tight, scared it could break anytime soon.
Couldn't differentiate between wrong and right. Couldn't agree on anything.
Fighting was the only solution.
Yet, fighting pulled us apart.

What were we ?

How on earth have we reached the point where we became almost like strangers ?

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Strangers that are connected.

Pushed me away only to reach for me when i start pulling away.
Told me how he no longer wanted me in his life.
It hurt. Felt insecure, felt pained.
Had to go, but just couldn't.

Took me some time, only to accept what he wanted.
Pulled away with the little hope left in me that he might come back.

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Took more time than usual, but he came back.
Only to hurt me again.
Only to show me that he hadn't changed but yet he wanted me somehow.

Couldn't help trying to fix things over and over again.
I somehow pushed you away by trying to control everything.
Knew you were all about your space and privacy.

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Here we are. Now.

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With time i matured.
Made it a rule to stop arguing.
I know what is. And what isn't. Sometimes.
Still can't imagine not having him in my life, yet i learned how to live without him.

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Learned to trust my instincts. Learning how to be more authentic.
You were a lesson i learned.

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My love for you, was pure. I loved with all my heart, and soul.
I was all yours till i learned that am not.

I know who i am. You helped me, become who i am as a person today.

Not totally healed, but i've survived. I've survived it all, despite how low i was. I've risen.

Trying to see the good more than ever now.
Still get hurt from time to time. But i'm now strong enough to face those obstacles.

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Are we gonna stay like this forever ?

We all got our little story. Maybe some can relate. Maybe for others, its totally different. Every love story is different, unique in its own way and may have different impacts on people. But speaking of mine, i admire the realness of the story. the way it taught me what love is.
Maybe others have different meanings on what love is. Maybe. And now, thats my side of the story, broadly explained. With scattered thoughts, feeling and maybe i even left out part of it.

I've been hurt real good. Even thought that it would be better if i die.

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'If its meant to be, it'll be.' Why stress yourself and worry ?
I'm the type of person that worry a lot. i think and overthink. i overdo lots of things. I over-care, and i over-love. I've always been like this.

Been working on myself. been trying to overcome a lot of little things in my life. Got so many damn flaws. ain't got the body i want. have many insecurities. Dealing with all of these on my own can be hard sometimes. it does require lots of effort, and moral strength to be able to face our problems.

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Went through it all alone. Learned how to face my problems on my own. Never knew i was strong enough to contain it all in my heart.

I cry. Often.

But hey, still alive. still trying to find a purpose in my life.

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We still talk. The communication between us is much better than before. Grateful for the little improvements that happens in my life.

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Spending time with you make me feel loved. Am i tripping for thing that you could still love me ?
Can feelings be faked ? How would i know ?
It all felt so real. Felt this way after so long. And it felt good.

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Maybe you do have some feelings for me. Or maybe you don't.

Maybe its the way you hugged me that long. Or maybe its the way you held my hand while talking to me in bed. Or is it when you turned over to hug me more while burrying your face in my hair ? Is it because you kissed me on the face or head when i least expect it ? Whichever one it is, I love it when you do all of those things. I love it when you're like this. Talking to you in bed for hours make me real happy. I kinda love it when i know we're more or less on the same vibe. You make me happy.
Every little things you do, counts so much for me you don't even know.

What it is that is between us ? Why is it that we can't be together ? And Why is it that we can't be pull away from each other's life forever ?

So many unanswered questions. So many things left unsaid. Yet there's something deeper than this connecting us on a deeper level.

I love you. I really do. You're the only one who can make and have made my soul happy. Is this explainable ?

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I'll probably never ask this question. Maybe i'll never know the answer to it. I probably wouldn't risk it all for that question.
'That question'. It scares me.
What can come out of it scares me.
Let it be. Gonna go with the flow.

Tried saying it all. Tried speaking my heart out. Tried put into words what i feel.
I wouldn't say i've covered it all.
But at least i've done this much.

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Maybe ?

-K.