Today, I feel like a failure. Or at least the accumulation of the failures in my previous two years of education have finally directly slapped me in the face today. I would love to immerse myself in mathematics, chemistry, physics, biology and literature. To learn and to think.
To think is challenging. I would love to be a thinker and be a student with a strong intellectual ability... Yet currently, I am failing. I am failing so hard, so bad, so painfully. However, I am aware of the gift that failure can be. I am so down, so below where my aspiring me is. Through hard, efficient work, through persistence, through not giving up at any cost, I could become more. I know I will. I'm just at a point where I can feel the pain of getting struck down.

I had some really shitty teachers for maths. I feel a strong hatred for whoever gave them the responsibility of educating the future generation. Being educated, properly, critically, thoroughly, is the highest thing a person could do to them-self. And yet, these teachers do not understand this. It infuriates me so incredibly much, to such a massive extent. These teachers don't think. They don't know how to learn. They remain passive till their death. It pisses me off, but no matter how stupidly pathetic it seems, it is slightly reasonable. No one has triggered their thoughts; no one has planted any seed that suggests the significance of thinking, the significance of honest speech, the significance of LEARNING, not just knowing to pass a test.
Currently, I have faced failure upfront. I have dealt and am dealing with the result of laziness and stupidity. Never again. I cannot let myself falter ever again. I will not give up at any cost. No matter the pain of work, keep going.

To stand back up, and to stay standing is difficult. To remain a student who strives is a pain in the ass. Living is a pain in the ass. Yet, in complete and utter honesty, from the bottom of my soul, i am happy that i'm alive. In the end, does anything really matter? it's an unanswered question... but i find liberation in it.

Do stuff. Be confident. Don't care what anyone else thinks, unless constructive. Express your existence and soul. These are things that I am slowly pushing into my mind, into existence. It's tough not to be a loser, sometimes. I guess it's called being human.