For once I want someone to be afraid of loosing me.
Be afraid of saying or doing something during an argument, that will hurt me. And if he does, I want him to want to make it up to me by actions and not to dismiss it the second he apologizes. If he actually is sorry for hurting me anyway.

To me, words mean nothing if there isn't an action following the words. At least I wish it to be like that. Trust me I know how tempting and easy it is to fall for words. I did so many times, one would say I must have learned already. Long story short, I didn't. Not even after a year in a toxic relationship that totally destroyed me. I've built walls around my heart and tried to move on. Afraid I'll get hurt again I went through that phase where I only hooked up with guys refusing anything similar to a relationship.

But then unexpectedly I fell in love again. Fortunately, this time I fell in love because of his actions, not words. I don't know if it was his constant need to protect me from the world or knowing he saw how fucked up and broken I was and still stayed that made me fall so hard for him.

However that's not important. Becase in that very moment, my walls started to crack. When the first thought of loosing him run through my mind. That's when I sarted to care again. That's when I started overthinking everything, mostly my actions and how it'll effect him. Thinking of him first. Of his happiness before mine. I thought I was his happiness, at least that's what he's telling me. But I'm not so sure.

We had a rough few weeks once and it came to the point where I cried almost every night being so scared he'll leave me just like everybody always did cause I'm not worth it. I even started taking his mistakes as mine and justifying his behaviour when he hurt me telling myself it's my fault. He got mad at me for taking the blame on myself yet he didn't take it on himself. He got tired of arguing, and tried to push me away, wanting me to leave him. To make it easier for both of us. I didn't.

And that was the stupidest thing I have ever done. He was letting me go and instead of showing him what he'll be missing If he'd let me go, my self esteem went to the lowest point and I begged him to stay. I showed him how fucking much I care and how much I love him and I realized that it's not mutual. He stayed after all. But things aren't the same anymore. And maybe he loves me, but not as much as I love him. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, cause I'm always the one who loves and cares more, always the one fighting for others.

So for once, just once, for someone I want to be worth fighting for.
Fighting for me to stay.
I'm tired of people leaving me.
I'm tired of feeling so lonely.