Day 6 : what is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
depression, drawing, and sad image

the answer is simple but complicated at the same time. the hardest thing i have experienced is depression. a lot of people go through that, that's not extraodinary. that doesn't make me more special than anyone else. that doesn't mean i'm broken either. that's just a part of who i am. depression is a part of me.

everything started in middle school. i had a ton of friends, no enemies. i was a good student, i always got along with my parents. no clouds in the sky. and yet, i started becoming sadder every single day. for no apparent reason. i started sleeping all the time, i had no energy to get up in the morning. i cried myself to sleep every single night. every tiny difficulty i encountered seemed impossible to overcome. i was ... dead inside, i felt nothing except this huge emptiness inside of me. and the worst thing is that no one noticed. no one. and still to this day, no one knows. i never got the courage to tell someone what i was going or i went through. everyone thinks i'm this positive girl who's living this perfect life, who smiles all the time. i wish i was that girl, so i became her in every social situation. because it's easier. it's just easier to pretend.
and that's when i fell even deeper. and i started self-harming. i have those three perfectly parallel scars on my left wrist, those spots i self-harmed almost every night with old scissors or an old razor. i chose this spot because that's where i wear my wristbands. they hide it. i self-harmed on other parts of my body, but that was too visible. i didn't want people to ask me questions, i wanted to suffer alone but at the same time i desperately needed help. this will always be my biggest contradiction.

still to this day, i don't know how i got through this. i just remembered laying in my bed, alone. thinking for the hundredth time how to end my days, thinking about the suicide note i was going to write. i wasn't crying anymore, i had no more tears left. suddenly, something happened in my brain, something i can't explain. but i decided to live. that day, i was ready to jump off my window. i was ready to swallow every pill i could find. but something kept me from doing that. and i never self-harmed again. some days, the temptation is hard to resist. when something is wrong in my life, when i feel like living is not worth it, i stare at my razor for the longest time, but i don't do it. i started writing instead and that helped me so much.

i never shared that with this much honesty. i never shared that with anyone. because i'm scared of judgment. i'm scared people will look at me differently, will treat me as if i'm too fragile. i'm scared people i care about will leave me because i'm a burden for them. i wish i could just pick up the phone, make an appointment to finally see a psy and let go everything. but i'm scared of talking on the phone, and i can't ask someone to do it for me because it scares me even more. it's a never-ending vicious circle.

depression and quotes image
but i'm better now. i feel happy most days. my old demons awake only at night, when no one is watching. i know i live on the edge of depression, i know i'm standing on the edge of this cliff and that i risk to fall at any moment. but slowly, i'm finding my balance and i still hope that one day someone will rescue me.

see you tomorrow for day 7 of the challenge