Disclaimer: I don't own the cover-image and the other images!

Dear Beautiful Me,

I know how you feel and what you've been through, because it's the same what I've felt and where I've been through. I also know the reason you want to keep control so bad, is because you're afraid. You're so afraid that it will happen again. But did you forget what happened when you failed? But what happened after that? You finally realised it's not about people's opinions, but about your own happiness and refinding Gods plan for your life.
You cried about the past and decided you would try again. You stopped crying and started fighting. And, I'm SO proud of you, girl! SO PROUD! You just did it! You were a little bit nervous at first, but after that you decided you would take every initiative that came your way and you just slayed!

Christ, imperfect, and perfection image Abusive image

So, why am I anxious again? Why am I worrying again? Why am I afraid again? Why do I take back all the control? Why am I afraid I can't do it again? Because, right now, I don't understand myself at all anymore! I love the way I let go of control back then. But, did I really let go? Or was it me trying to hide everything from the past while I kept doing what I already did? What can I do to change? One thing I know for sure is that I need to let go. I need to trust myself again, because right now I think I can't do anything, while I really believe I'm really smart and good at anything at the same time. It doesn't make sense to me at all, but I also completely understand it.

Let Go Your Control

What happened last time is that I already failed, so when I got lucky enough to get a second change, I didn't "care" anymore. Well, I did still care, but I felt like I already lost, so everything that would get better right now, was a bonus. I started with this completely different mindset.
What can I do to start acting from that mindset again? What did I do last time?

amen, black and white, and Lyrics image
From the song "Amen" from "Matthew West"

One: I made decisions for myself by myself

Everyone told me to quit in general, but I refused to. I already felt so broken I didn't want to lose this last bit of hope and control of my life. So, right now I need to make my own choices again. I can do this by answering this question: "What would I do if other people didn't exist?"

Two: I lived them out

I did what I said I chose to do. Other people couldn't change the way I thought. Nobody was able to change me anymore. I sticked to my decisions anyway. I remembered they wouldn't be there in my next job at all.

Three: I was carefull with what I told people

I've always been the girl who was honest a little bit to much about everything. I discovered how vulnerable I made myself with that by giving others opportunitys to gossip about me. So, I changed that by barely telling anyone anything. That's not good too. So, I changed again by slowly trusting other people again with little details about my life. At the end I started talking to everything to God, because He won't gossip about me. :)

Four: I started praying

After what happened I started praying out loud every single morning before I started my day:

"Lord, thank You for this day. Bind every spiritual attack from satan who tries to attack me with fear, doubt and lies right now in the name of Jesus Christ! Fill me up with Your holy confidence, as much as I need today. In Jesus name' Amen."

Five: I prayed more.

Every single time I felt doubt again throughout the say I went to the toilet to pray again. I said the same prayer or I prayed the words that lay on my heart.

Six: Things started to change.

The days went by and I saw miracles in the way I became. I handled proactive and found confidence in Him. God really answered my prayers!

Seven: I analysed the doors I gave the enemy

What I didn't understand at first was the fact I needed to pray to rebuke the devil every single day again. How was that possible? How did he get back so fast? I realised I could be the one opening doors. For example in places where I could here the radio with non-christian music of with gossiping or judging people with certain people.

Eight: I chose to be grateful

It's so easy to tell everyone what's going wrong in my life, but I need to choose again to be thankful. I started to speak life over myself,

God bless!

Love,