I took out a brush from my holder... that was silently sitting on my art desk full of yellow paint from last night. I touched the bristles and ran my fingers trought them feeling each one like a rain drop in my heart.

I went on the balcony and light up a cigarette. I stole it from you the other night... but I don't think you noticed. They say it's wrong to smoke your first cigarette on your own, in case you need help... but what kind of help do you need just to do a terrible think to your body and mind? It's really easier than anyone would think.

It was foggy outside. My brush was in my left hand, and my cigarette was in my right, eating itself and letting a strong stifling smoke out in the air. The fog bewitched me, got me thinking about last night. The sky was clear then... but I was foggy...

I saw you through a dream and mistook it for reality. I looked in the mirror in my room... my make-up was all over my face, but somehow that looked kind of normal.

I looked in my hand, at the cigarette and all of it came back to me... all the feelings, the foggy memories, the background laughters, the noise, the smoke, the loud music... people drinking, partying, and I was there, and you were there, and it was like I was in an alternative reality...

My boyfriend left, and you came to me, looked at me, and asked me where he went, then looked at me, and kissed me... and... and it felt so right and stop thinking about you and your smile and your messy hair and everythink about you. I would love it if I could just stop, but I can't. You are in my mind and you are suffocating it, blocking other thinks from getting inside.

I was wearing a royal blue dress and I was feeling so regal. You told me you liked it and so I love it even more now... with all the vodka and wine stains and the smell of cigarette smoke.

It's so crazy cause... I love my boyfriend, I really do... or so I thought, but at the same time, I know you are just a player, in fact you made me cheat, but I am so atractted to everything about you, am I a bad person? A tear went down my face as this thought crossed my mind.

And now I hate my boyfriend, and it's toxic and it's bad. Why don't I break up with him you ask? Well, what would happen if I did? Would you still like me then? Would you still want me? Please... tell me you would... please.

I went and dipped my brush into royal blue paint and painted a a blue stripe on my easel, and then another one, and another one. I was going crazy on the white canvas and when I finished I looked at it and loved it immediately, because I knew you'd like it. It hurts so much because I feel so much love for you, but I have no idea how you feel. A royal blue love, just like story from the 18th century.

My cigarette was all burnt up and gone, I didn't even have a single smoke out of it.

Yesterday, the sky was clear, but I was foggy. Today, the sky is foggy, but inside me it's raining, and I'm drowning in it...

15.10.2017 | My instagram: elena_stinga (for more)