I envy people who love themselves. I do. I am proud of them also, maintaining their positive outlook on life, but I wish I had that outlook as well. I look at them, and I wonder, "how have you people mastered the art of admiring yourself?" I want to learn, I want to learn so badly. Are there courses? Online classes? What do I have to do?
One of my favorite natural hair/ travel bloggers, Nia Pettit, a.k.a FrogirlGinny, has a YouTube channel. She speaks on her flaws and the steps it took to come into her own. For instance, when she was younger, she was made fun of for her acne. And when she chopped her hair off, kids would make fun of how short it was. She radiates such happiness, if only I could do the same.
I guess I could say that I had a similar experience growing up. I too was bullied for things that I really couldn't control. Imagine this chubby, brown skinned girl with glasses. My mom put platts in my hair every day with little barrettes clipped at the end. Names like big head, thunder thighs, fatty, and ugly...as well as so many others were thrown at me throughout my elementary school years. This took a huge toll on my confidence. My mom would call me her little Bratz Doll, while my Father said that I was one of the greatest gifts ever given to him. It wasn't enough for me at that age. I wanted to be liked. I think all kids do, but some care more than others. i still have that issue. I care too much about what people say about me. This has stemmed from childhood. Every little thing that I did, it would be put underneath a microscope. I was taunted for every little thing.
There was another girl in the same grade as me. She got bullied too. She probably got bullied worse than me. I pray that she reaches all the dreams that she has set for herself. She was a good friend during those times. I wonder if she has made peace with the past already.
Anyways, this has lingered with me for forever. Every time I walk outside of my dorm, or the door to my house, I always overthink the things that I have done to prepare for my exit. Is what I'm wearing to gaudy? Do my shoes match? Did I put on too much perfume? I just don't want anyone saying anything that will set me off. That's that inner little girl talking.
I never thought anyone would ever really like me as I got older. I didn't have that many friends when I was a child. That was another thing that really affected me. What was it with me? Why was I the odd one out? I began home schooling when I was in the middle of the fifth grade. That's the first time I stopped caring. I had no love for myself, none at all. I wore baggy pants and baggy t-shirts all the time, from the fifth grade to my sophomore year of high school. I just didn't care. I felt like I wasn't worth anything, why would I care about how I look? During my sophomore year, I just couldn't stand to look at myself anymore. I thought my body was the cause of all my problems. I thought I was overweight and the only way to make myself fall in love with the image in the mirror was to lose weight. My Grandfather for a while had mentioned that I needed to lose weight. "Thirty pounds would be good" he said. I know that he didn't mean to, but he really hurt me with those comments. I would exercise for an hour straight. I'd eat one meal a day. In months, my body slimmed out. For about two months, I thought I thought I was happy. I began to wear different clothes. I wore clothes that made me feel good. They made me feel like I was worth something. I thought that this was it! I thought that I had found supreme happiness. Turns out I was wrong. I still felt nothingness after awhile. It's not about the outside sometimes. The outside might help you reveal your truth on the inside, but in my case, it was masking what was in my heart, soul, mind, and spirit. I go into college, still reeling from my discovery from high school. Remember when I said I liked being liked? College made me realize how bad it was. I had just broken up with my ex. That was a draining experience, and that didn't help my confidence either. I was a mess. I hung with people that didn't help me grow. They taught me lessons though.
Last year, something happened to me at a college party that I really don't want to talk about, but when I get the courage to, I will. That incident just made me really not care about myself anymore.
If I got any male attention, I took it. I had never really thought of myself as pretty. When guys would tell me things about how nice I looked or my body, I immediately thought that they were genuinely interested in me as a person. After something similar that happened a couple weeks ago, I realize that I was blinded by compliments and kind words. I thought my body was just there, a play thing for whoever came around. I just didn't care. I didn't care anymore. Call me whatever you want, but I know what I have done and I am not proud of it. I know what happened, and I can't take it back. There are things that I cannot reverse, but there are things that I don't have to do anymore.
I am tired of not valuing myself. I feel like these things that have happened are tests, and each trial and error I am adding more information to my list, so that when I am ready to take the main test, I will be ready. I am tired of feeling badly about myself. I am pretty. I love my hair and how it curls down to my shoulders. I love my full lips. I have dark spots on my cheeks from the sun and the acne from prior months, but it's okay. I am eating better, drinking more water, and keeping up with my skincare routine. I have a gap in my tooth. I can put a sucker stick between it. It makes my smile different from the rest. I have broad shoulders. I have curves. My butt is big, my legs are shapely. I am funny. I am bubbly. I love to write, sing, dance, act, and travel. I will go around the world and explore each place on my own. I will be successful in life. I will keep going, no matter what setback comes my way. I will get right with my beliefs and stick to them. I AM ENOUGH! i don't know how many times I have to say it until I believe it, but I am! I'm enough! I am valuable. I don't need anyone else to love me so that I can love myself, it starts out with me. I am the first step. It keeps getting better from there.Whatever is holding you back. There is someone out there going through the same thing. There is someone who has been through the same experience. It will be a rocky start. This is me starting again for the second time, but I am going to learn from my past mistakes and not make them again. Pinpoint what problems you have, and then try to find a solution. If it means not texting that guy back, you know what to do. If you procrastinate, you find ways on how to stay focused. When there is a will, there's a way. I have that will, and I will find a way. I am on the journey of self love, and I plan to stay committed till the test of time.