He left me wondering where I went wrong...

There were no explanations whatsoever. It was as if he completely shut down and just decided to avoid talking about it to me. I needed an answer so badly at that moment I thought that it would have been much better if he told me he didn't love me anymore. Years from the day he left, I was still left wandering aimlessly. I needed closure so that I can move on but I wasn't brave enough to talk to him.

Or so... that was what I thought.

People often do stupid things when they are tired. And so, one fine night I inboxed my ex and poured my heart out to him. All those pent up pain, anger, sadness... those unexplainable feelings that I could never talk with to anyone else. I told him how it had always felt as though I was in love with two people, how it felt to not be able to move on, to have the closure I truly needed.

Days passed and he finally replied...

"I had always loved you but apparently you moved on. I always regretted that I left, that I did not hold on to you when it mattered most."

To have finally received the closure I had always wanted to hear should have set me free. But instead, it didn't liberate me. It gave me new questions to think about. If I had multiple choices the last time, this time I had to fill in the blanks.

What if? What if I waited for him? What if I had not started a fresh relationship? It didn't help that there were rifts in my current relationship as well.

Here's to all the girls who didn't know why it ended...

You don't need closure.

You don't need closure because having no closure; that's closure. I understand that there are things that you feel you deserve to know. I felt that way as well. But what if there is no perfect closure? What if I told you closure is the starting point of an endless stream of questions piling up one on the other until you feel so bloated you can’t even think straight? I first thought I lacked closure which was why I initiated the conversation in the first place.

But to find out that he had always been keeping his eye on me, that after all the years he had always loved me, to feel that we missed each other just because we were both too afraid to speak just because of the hurt; that was a new kind of war to fight. I know that at times, you may feel that you are still in love with your ex. There are times when you feel you are not prepared to start anew.

Listen to me.

You are more than ready.

I’m here to tell you that you are ready. You are not in love with your ex just because he pops up on your mind at 3 am. You are not in love with him just because you wonder how he’s doing when you hear his name. Asking yourself why he left you doesn’t mean you are still in love.

You are just a hurt soul trying to mend yourself and you would kill to get to the person you were before you met him. The reason why you are stuck in this phase of reliving the entire pain is because you just want to feel whole again. You hate feeling so vulnerable. You hate that you are still giving attention to the person who doesn’t want you. Most of all, you hate that you feel as though you are not committed to your new relationship.

We had a short talk that night. There was this familiar warmth in the way he chose his words. It felt so surreal, as though my wounds healed magically. And then, I said something I never thought I would say…

“I don’t regret you.”

And that was the moment I knew; I moved on long ago. I had forgiven him but I just didn’t know. So, it is true that people can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. I had always been so wary of my own pain that I forgot that he was vulnerable as well.

“Thanks. I needed that.”

Closure, that was what I had expected to be given. But you see, I think that there is this misconception that closure has to be given when in fact it has to be earned. You have to face the truth, feel what you truly feel and accept that what you had is now an object of the past. You have to be the one to close the doors in the same way you chose to try and receive love from another. Heads up, you don't need the person who broke you to fix you.

My ex never clarified why he left. He hung on because he never gave himself closure. It didn't feel good at all to know that he had been suffering bit by bit with me all this while.

Our conversation that night may have been the first step for him and I couldn’t have been more than thankful to have given such a gift to someone who once meant so much to me. It was as though I re-lived my whole relationship with him again but this time, with an acceptance that we had to part. I do admit that relationships differ and the closure you seek could be unlike mine. But at the end, all we seek is to be able to move on and love again.

So closure or no closure… you choose your path.

That is if you are mentally prepared to know the truth. What if your ex tells you he still loves you? Be prepared to feel that you missed each other. What if he tells you he left because he doesn’t love you anymore? Be prepared to feel your heart break again.

I don’t believe in closure now.

I believe in being honest with how we feel. I believe in holding on to the reason why you and I first loved and to use that same old love to heal each other.

It was a beautiful journey if you think about it.

And, hey… Just in case you are reading this,

I won’t ever, ever regret you. I hope you remember that.