I'm trying this thing where I let my mind fight for me and not against me. For a long time I've struggled with self love, self acceptance, even self understanding. I never really gave myself a chance. I never really gave myself the benefit of the doubt. I would always come to these conclusions that what people think about me is how I think about myself. Until recently I realized that wasn't the case at all. My mind is what forms whatever negative thoughts I have about myself. My mind is what makes me decide whether or not I'm enough or even worth it. Worth what exactly? That I don't even know.

I keep questioning myself and the actions I take. I let my mind have this control over me. The kind of control that makes you anxious and makes you go against every good thing you ever thought about yourself. I have anxiety. No scratch that. I am anxiety. I'm like this walking, breathing, living thing that wonders when the next bad thing will happen. The crazy part is, I'm not actually living. I'm breathing. I'm a person. But I'm not living. I'm not giving myself the chance to experience life and all the amazing things it has to offer. I blame myself for that. You can't really point fingers at anyone for making your life a living hell, when the person who's really doing it is yourself.

I'm not sure if I'm even making any sense. That's another one of my many many issues. I would rather bottle everything up because I'm afraid of what's going on in my mind will confuse the world around me. I try. I really do. At understanding that I'm not perfect. Or that I make mistakes. I'm flawed. I have my personal issues but so does everyone else.

I have days where I'm so on top of the world. Days where I feel like I can do anything. Nothing can stop me. Nothing can convince me that I'm not THAT girl. Until one day I wake up and my mind says "no." Plenty of people are certain that if they say something negative or mean to me that my feelings will be hurt or I'll just feel bad. But what they don't know is, you haven't said anything that I haven't already said to myself. It sucks when the people you love speak poorly of you. I won't deny that. But I don't think anyone else's words can beat what you're already saying to yourself.

And on that note. "I don't think anyone else's words can beat what you're already saying to yourself." I say that again because this is where I realized. This is where I understood that nothing can truly beat what I think about myself. Whether it's good or bad. I'm starting to think that if I let my negative thoughts take up so much damn space in my mind, than I can do the exact same thing with the positive. I know it won't be easy. But I'd rather say I tried and failed, than say I failed because I didn't try at all.

I'm not saying change how you see the world. I guess I'm TRYING to say change how you see yourself. Because that's who you'll be spending the rest of your life with. Don't believe everything you think. Let your mind fight for you and not against you. Give yourself a chance. Not everything has to be black and white. Change is good. Change is what shapes you into who you will be in the future. CHANGE is what separates you from your past. Give yourself that opportunity. Don't let your mind stop you from being the person you want to be.

- Olivia Stevenson