it's been so long since I've seen him cry, the last time was when we were 14 and his beloved dog passed away. but here he was, eyes glazed over with tears, in front of me.

"I can't do this," he said, his voice was hoarse from crying.

"can't do what? is it me? I'm so sorry. I want you more than anything, I can change," I was trying with everything I had not to feel anything, because if I felt this pain, I doubted I'd ever recover. "I can't tell what the future hold, I don't know whether I want to stay at my job, or whether I want to live in the city, or even if I want to live in the US. I know that I want you though. I know I love you."

"shh," he wiped tears from my eyes that I hadn't even realised had slipped out.

I looked into his eyes, trying to figure out what he was going to say. it was clear he was hurting but I wasn't sure why, I still don't know where it went wrong.

"I love and want you too," he whispered shakily.

"so why does this feel like goodbye?" my throat was burning and threatening unleash the meltdown I had be struggling to hold back.

"because it is."