After all these years of pain and misery, I've found myself lucky for getting to know these feelings. They have made me a better person than I was yesterday and I'm sure they will continue to do so. Everyone suffers in a different way and everyone experiences it differently. Everyone deals with it in a different way and everyone learns is a different way from it. Here is my story.

My adult life started very young. I wasn't ready for it and probably I still ain't. When I was twelve years old my mom died. It happened out of no where, a heart attack. I had to move to my dad and my whole life changed. We had a lot of issues and he caused me a lot of pain for 4 years straight. It felt like I was never really "home" in these four years. I started to hate myself for who I became, someone who didn't care anymore. I wanted to care so badly but I just couldn't. Writing really helped but it couldn't stop my thoughts at night. After a while I hated "not caring anymore" so bad that I started to self-harm. I just wanted to feel something again, even if it meant feeling miserable, sad and angry. Yes of course at school I kept my head up high and had often fun as well but that doesn't mean someone actually is "fine".

First lesson
This dark period in my life has thought me a lot of things. Maybe the best lesson I learned was that even if it gets bad, it will get better, if you allow it too. You cannot be helped when you don't want to be helped. Trust me, I know, I've been there and done that. While I really wanted my "emptiness" and "sadness" to stop, I at the meantime got addicted to it. But getting better comes from within and I realized that at a particular moment. When I wanted things to change, I had to start with myself and so I did.

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Second lesson
My dad, his girlfriend and I went into family-therapy. At first it didn't really seem like something that could work but it actually helped me a lot. That's lesson two I learned about my hard time. Do not be afraid to ask anyone for help. Sometimes an objective eye is exactly what a situation needs. The therapy taught me that it's important to listen to each other, not to raise your voice, to believe in your opinion and yourself and mostly to try to respect each other. A discussion is only held fair when the parties have enough respect for one another.

Third lesson
Luckily I did not only have the therapy that helped me, I also had amazing friends and a woman in my life that I still adore every second of every day. These people where I could be myself, on my best and on my worst days pulled me through. They listened, cared and even tried to give me advice if I asked for it. They also respected it when I didn't feel like talking and they knew how to cheer me up when I needed them to do so. This is the third lesson I learned. It is so so so so sooooooo important to have REAL friends around you. People who actually care. People you can be weird with, yourself with. People that won't get scared when you get angry or sad. Sometimes it's hard to find these people but they are there, trust me. There are by far more good people in the world than there are bad ones. So you'll find them, it's just a matter of experience and time.

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Final lessons
The fourth and final lessons I learned, came afterwards. When I felt bad, I thought I could handle it myself. I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems. Didn't really wanted to let them in. But after a while I found out that sharing helps a lot. Secrets are exhausting. Letting people in can be scary, and for some it isn't scary at all and that's okay as well. But it might make you feel better if you do so.
Also I learned to be thankful for those who helped me. And because of that I learned to love those with the same problems as I had. I got better and for that I want others to do as well. I know what it took for me to get better and that was personal space, love and knowing people had my back.

In the meantime I got quite experienced in getting to know my feelings and how I need to deal with them. Not only did that help me but others as well. Since I now know how my feelings work I learn how other's work as well. That causes that people often come to me with their problems. I am always thankful for that. I love helping people, even if it takes several months. This lesson gave me a lot. It gave me understanding.

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If you ever feel like sharing or talking, send me a message <3 I care, I really do. I'm just someone who gets attached very easy, I can't help it. Nor am I ashamed of it! You deserve love, you deserve to feel better, you deserve to love yourself and feel loved. You deserve every good thing in the world and OMG I wish I could give it to you.