I doubt anyone will read this but I need to vent somehow and writing it somewhere seems like the best option right now.

Today after about two years of being clean I self harmed again. I felt the urge to do it for days but I told myself that I don't need it, but my illness is stronger than me and in the end I succumbed to that urge. I've felt like shit for years but the last few months have been the worst ever and my suicidal tendencies are at their highest (never tried to do it) so basically I came to the conclusion that I'm gonna try and kill myself soon I just don't know when and what will be the breaking point for me. I know that what I previously wrote sounds stupid and strange but I just see no future for myself and I have this feeling that I was never meant to live long, that I'm gonna die young. I think that only a miracle could fix my life now since no matter how hard I try I always fail and somehow just make everything worse.
There is so much more to this than what I wrote but I'm not good at expressing my feelings. I could write or talk for days but I feel like I would be doing nothing more than going in circles and scratching the surface.

If someone actually read all this crap I wrote..I'm sorry.