i feel as if i need to get this off my chest.
maybe there isn't a point to writing this, after all, what's really gonna come out of it?
a small sigh of relief ?
a slight weight lifted off my shoulders?
it's a possibility that i'm willing to entertain.

here are my apologies.

1. to mum and dad.
i'm sorry that i argue with you guys over the smallest of things. i'm sorry that my grudges seem infinite and that i still act out childishly. i don't blame you for anything, truly.

2. to my ex best friend.
i'm sorry that i hurt you in the most immature of ways. i'm sorry that i didn't text back after you openly reached out to me two years after everything had gone down. a week later, i left my phone on the train and had to get it replaced, coincidentally, right when i had built up the courage to reply. i'm sorry that i didn't go through with it. i'm sorry for not asking for your number from one of our friends, like i easily could have, my courage seems to be a very fleeting thing. i see you when i walk home sometimes and i'm sorry that all i do is see.

3. to all the people i used to know.
i'm sorry i don't stop to talk. i'm sorry for intentionally averting my eyes when we come across each other. i'm sorry i act as if we were nothing when in reality, we've shared smiles, laughs, our hopes and our dreams together. don't think i don't notice you, i'm hyperaware of your presence, yet i pretend we've never met, and for that i'm sorry.

4. to the boy i loved.
i'm sorry for shutting you out, i'm sorry for manipulating you, i'm sorry that you always second guessed how i felt because i didn't know how to express myself. i'm sorry for not texting, not calling. i'm sorry for talking about him when i knew how jealous you got. i'm sorry for not fighting for you, i'm sorry for not wanting to. i'm sorry that i can't be your friend even though i pinky promised i'd always be there for you that one afternoon, in early spring.

but most of all,
i'm sorry that i'll never tell them this.
i'm weak,
my deepest apologies.