I've used to find living to be a very hard thing to accomplish. More often than not, I couldn't bring myself to do anything. To cook or clean, shower, get dressed, do laundry or go outside and bask in the cool autumn breeze. I couldn't focus on a movie, or get lost in the worlds between the pages of a good book. I couldn't sleep, for the fear of nightmares twisting around my ankles and dragging me to their seductive depths. For a long time, the flame in my heart and soul that was my spirit was dim, my future bleak. I had no hope.
Do you know how it feels to want to die? I don't mean to want an end to your suffering, I mean to genuinely want to cease to exist. I was at a point where I felt at peace with the thought of ending my life. I felt my heart soar in my chest at the thought of jumping to my death, I had goosebumps when that noose brushed against my skin. I had never felt more alive than when I was so close to the brink of death. And those thoughts, those evil thoughts swirled in my head, endlessly tormenting and teasing me, sending me on an unpredictable path of self destruction.
I just wanted to be saved, however possible.
I always felt so alone in my own head, alone with my plans and schemes and pain. I never thought anyone would get me, anyone would care. I never thought the pain would end.
Until I read something, and realized.
Pain is a part of life, and although sometimes it is extremely unpleasant, it shapes you and molds you into the person youre going to become. Pain is change, its awful sometimes but necessary to make progress. And sometimes it never goes away, we just learn how to live with it. But thats okay. Give it time, let it sit. And with a little time, love, help, and effort, it wont hurt as much.
If you ever feel the change in your will to live, take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. There are people out there like you, like me. Like us. We know what its like to feel empty and cold inside, numb and completely raw with untamed emotion at the same time. We are a family, we take care of eachother. You are not alone. Reach out. Somebody does care, regardless of if you think they don't. So reach out. Believe. Live.