There was this time when an adult said to me "you're young, you don't think about death, it's too soon, with your age you think about having fun". I was a teenager that time, but I already thought he was wrong. He didn't know my life. In fact I was thinking about death all the time, that is what happens when you live around old people. You think about sickness, about heart-failures, about going to sleep and wondering if that person is going to be alive as soon you wake up. Did we fight before? Did I kiss goodnight? Did I tell them that I Love them? Did we hug?
Today I looked at my grandmother. She was giving kisses to my guinea pig. I tried to catch that moment. Almost like taking a photo with my eyes. Knowing that all of that will be gone soon. Wondering if the treatment is going to work, if the cancer had spread, if so, what can we do? How long does she has?
Since I was a kid I always knew that my grandparents weren't going to live forever. There was this nights, right before I go to sleep, when I would think "What if it's today? What if tomorrow they're not alive anymore? Will I try CPR? The feeling of thinking of being alone, without their voice to guide me, it caused me fear, scared and desperate. Now, they're 80 years old, I'm 21, perhaps my way of see things has changed, but I still feel like that child that was raised by two grandparents, that behind the hate for each other, and violence because of my mother (different chapter) they gave me love at their own way, with their flaws. They teach me about surviving in this amazing and crazy world. But they will be gone. They will die. Everyone around me will die. Then I think "Who will I become? Who do I want myself to be? Am I strong enough to feel the pain and yet look up and get up every single time someone close to me dies? How am I going to manage my pain, so my heart doesn't become a frozen one?" You know when someone wants to shut down his humanity? It's called Turning it off. What if I turn it off?

Don't know if someone will read this, but that's the beauty of technology. I'm writing my feelings and thoughts for myself and sharing with the world. Maybe this will give me some strength in the future.
When the moment comes, this will be here.

Elocin