It was like watching one of those black and white movies, where you can see everyone and what they are doing, however, you can’t hear them. You can’t smell or even feel what is going on around you. I see people running to their group of friends, I see them happily chatting away with their best friends. I see them finding a table to sit at. And then I sat down and all face turned to me for a moment before going back to what they were doing. I tried to look busy but failed miserably. It’s like I didn’t exist, maybe to them, I don’t. At this moment, there is a sense of hollowness in me.

“You don’t belong” my subconsciousness whispered to me.

“ No, maybe not this one” I whispered back.

I got up to leave when one of them notice me getting my backpack.

“Are you leaving?” he asked.

No, I want to stay here and talk to you guys, but I honestly don’t know what to say because I don’t relate. “Yeah, I have some work to do,” I replied.

And so I walked out of the classroom, sending a quick text to my friend, I asked them about their whereabouts. Two was in the biology lab studying for an upcoming exam and the other one hasn’t arrived yet.

I quickly arrive at the biology lab hoping to talk to them but that’s not what happens. What happens was that I realize I do not belong. No matter where I go, no matter who I am with I will not belong anywhere. Sitting there on the side I realize I am like an intruder or a third wheel, I shouldn’t be there. My heart knows I shouldn’t be there. Someone once told me that the loneliest moment was when you are surrounded by people, she was correct because at this moment I felt a sense of loneliness that is crippling. It’s like looking at them through a tinted window, I can see them but they cannot see me. It brings up questions like, have they ever saw me? Or was I so insignificant to the point where I was just there? Over the days, our conversation became short and dry. There wasn’t anything to say, nothing interesting or important to talk about. There was no more deep conversation or meeting at Starbucks. What was left was short responses and a phone that never blows up with messages like it used to.

I left because there wasn’t anything left to say, there wasn’t anything left to show. Coming to a realization that even with the people that I claim as a best friend, I do not belong, because what they have it would never be able to share with me. Thinking back, I never belonged anywhere, I never had a long-term friend that I was close to. I could never tell anyone why I was crying. No one knew me like I wanted them to. No one could tell past the smile that I was silently crying and breaking apart. My armor is cracking, I’m cracking and the loneliness seeps in. I was there, always listening and knowing. I don’t say much but I understand the pain, however, who is there to understand mine. Today, I give up.

Maybe it may be for forever, maybe it may be short and one day I will regain the strength to try again, but tonight I will fall asleep knowing that I don’t belong. Not anywhere that I want to be, the sadness morphs into anger, letting myself think that I do not care anymore. But the sad truth is I do and I fall asleep restless with tear streak face, holding onto the one thing that gives me comfort and curling into myself like a homeless pup seeking for warmth in the midst of winter.