January 2017

I was happy that 2016 will have an end. I was hoping for a better year in 2017 like everyone else. But this year started very rufly. So on new years eve I was told that my boyfriend is celebrating with a girl from his university this evening. And as a normal girlfriend I was against it because I knowed too that this girl liked this boy.
So that is one thing that really pissed me off of him. He was not really understanding why. Haah boyy.
After new years eve: he didn't called me, texted me or was not messaging me like "hey what's up". So I was the one who was calling him everytime I could and had the possibility to call him. Just for info: we lived in long term relationship... so we didn't saw each other often. The last time I saw him was the end of november.
But back to the story. Vacation was over and my second semester started
It was good to have something that would get mind off with this thing with my boyfriend.

I have very good friends in school/college (in our school system in my country the school I visit is a mix between college and highschool, more than highschool but less than college) and there was one guy I was totally best friends with. We had the same timetable and most of our curses we were together and sitting together. So I know him well and he knows me well.
One evening we left school together because we had the same way at home. But he was going to work and I was the person who going home (xD). So we were in the train and he was about to leave the train because it was his station to leave. But I needed to drive a little bit more. So we hugged each other and he left the train. I turned myself around and plugged my headphones on. But I was feeling a kiss... on my forehead. I was looking up, it was my friend, and he runned away.
I was shocked and I was feeling that I was blushing. And I was blushing. But this whole train ride was like a nightmare for me. I wanted to cry in this moment so badly. So so badly. Because hey one boy who is not my boyfriend kissed my forehead. I was so asshamed.

After I arrived at home I dirrectly called my boyfriend about it. I started to cry.
But the only thing he said was "So what's with that. It happend you can't change it" with no emotion no feelings just like a monoton voice. I cried more. I told him that another boy kissed my forehead but he was like in a "I don't care mode". We hang up. I cried mire and more alone for myself. I was very sad that the one I truly love doesn't care if another boy trys to take his girl. Kinda sad right?

The next day I saw this boy again and no reply, I wasn't talking to him, never looked at him, I didn't ask him anything. In our last session he asked me if "everything is ok? Or why am I so cold to him?"
I told him tha everything is okay and we left school... again together. I tried to get out of the situation that I could go alone at home. But he didn't let me alone.
At the train station again, it was time to say goodbye because we had two diffrent ways this time. We hugged us each other again and he tried again to kiss my forehead but I runned away xD
Just his nose touched my forehead.
So I was running away and left him there.
I never thought tha he would try again to kiss my forehead because I thought it was just a one time thing.

The next day: school was over I was standing with my friends and him again and I was about to leave. I was just leaving not doing anything, no higging just leaving. This boy stopped me again by standing infront of me. I looked at him very confused. I couldn't say anything and he kissed my forehead again for the 3th time. Infront of our friends and I left without saying anything.
The following day I was not even talking to him in pauses or classes. Never.
But then we had chemstry class and our teacher summed one good friend of us, him and me in a group. Funny right? Like destiny it wants. Whatever, we build up our task for this lession and the boy and I talked about homosexuality and stuff like that. Because their was a time a rumor about him that he was gay. It's your choice if you're hetero- or homosexual or pansexual whatever I will not dislike you because of that. But that was the topic of our conversation. So idk why but he said suddenly that he is heterosexual and that he likes me. That he likes me in diffrent way. In a lovely way. He confessed to me in chemistry class. And I needen to work with him and was thinking just no noo. HE JUST CONFESSED TO ME LIKE WHAT. I didn't said anything and did my job in this lession. He told me the whole lession that he liked me and that is the truth. That I should not shame myself because of it.
He told me I was beautiful and gave me compliments. I gave him no reaction and didn't say something. Like why boy whyyy.
After the ring belled I left the room as soon as I could. He just shouted after me why am I so blushing. I just told him that I can't handle compliments thanked him and left. My heart was beating, I was kind of panicking, I wanted to cry, scream and tell my boyfriend about it. But why should I call someone who would just say that this is nothing that hurts him and shouldn't hurt me at all.

Long story short: at this weekend I told him that I am not feeling the same way as him but thanked him for the confession, that I am glad to know his feelings and that he should stop this kissing thing. But no one saw coming that he has feelings for me, like no one.
After that I feld very free and I was okay with the situation that nothing will be the same with him as always...
This thing with my boyfriend was not getting better. We we're just fighting the whole time.

One evening I was hearing music and found Shawn Mendes. I heard his complete two albums (Handwritten and Illuminate) and was pretty nice I was directly falling in love with this albums and songs! But to his songs I will tell you more in the next month.