Is sex ever safe?

You’re probably thinking that this article is about if the condom you use is enough to keep you safe? But it’s definitely not. I got to thinking about safe sex, is it only about physical risks, do we just follow some guidelines to protect ourselves? Yet, what about our emotional lives?

The condom is not a 100% guarantee of safety against AIDS and against pregnancy, for the same reason that following some sentimental guidelines to protect ourselves in sex is not a 100% guarantee of safety against the emotional and psychological implications of the entire romantic encounter.

When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up we stayed friends. He met someone else, with whom he is actually happy. We hang out with a bigger group of people, and that includes my ex’s best friend. During the last month I have found myself talking a lot with him. I do like him and we find ourselves discussing everything and anything.

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Found on WeHeartIt
One night, a word led to another and the discussion got hotter, we ended up sexting. I assume it wasn’t just a one-off – we repeated it again, but turns out he felt the same things I did. There isn’t a day we are not talking to each other, and as every other normal human being, I needed to tell someone. So yep, you guessed it, I told my two best girlfriends about it today. It didn’t go the way I wanted or expected it to go, and there comes:

“What about principles, rules and manners?”

“You could fool around with whoever you want; it has to be his best friend?”

“Did you for a second think about all of us, being friends?”

I responded:

“We are mature enough to stop it whenever we want, it’s just that we like each other and it’s just some stupid sextos”.

But now that I’m thinking, could I really stop it whenever I want? Is it really just some sextos? No feelings involved? When we have late night conversations or sex aren’t we sharing a part of who we are too?

Yeah, we all know that men are capable of detaching from their emotional nature in order to have a short term win in the form of a one night stand or a ‘friends with benefits’ kind of relationship without getting involved, but what about women? Are we really having these kind of conversations and sex for the sake of just having them and getting off, or are there deeper needs we’re all trying to fulfill?

What is it about science then, that saying that we, women, are emotional beings, we feel and therefore we are. When we have late night conversations or sex, we surrender ourselves to that person, as women we become vulnerable and raw and we open ourselves and our body up to a level of intimacy that we only ever share with ourselves…

And then I just asked myself a question: WHAT AM I EXACLY WORRIED ABOUT?

The fact that, I’m getting attached, day after day, or that, no matter how tough and detached I think I am, I cannot lie to my natural instincts – I am an emotional being. Or maybe is more than that, maybe it’s the fact that, being in a relationship with the best friend of my ex, will cause tensions between two people who have been close for almost their whole lives, and break up their friendship? Or, Do I fear being judged and shamed, by my ex and my friends, for letting get emotionally involved with two people who are close to each other?

Actually, we may convince ourselves that we are open minded enough to understand it all, but we have unspoken cultural taboos about friendships, often with advice from friends and self-help books suggesting these should have priority over relationships. And that somehow while it is okay to move on to a new relationship after breaking up with an ex, dating someone they are friends with is “ethically rejected”.

“Somehow I’ll find a way to make it out of this mess, and I’ll do”.

But NO! After all, what about me? What about what I think and want? I’m just a woman who had fallen for the wrong person at the wrong time, a person I appreciate big time, who I got to know closely, and mostly, who cares about me too. And maybe, there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe I just have to stop blaming myself for being me, for living my life the way I desire, stop being the victim of my own circumstances and finally move past the blame, take responsibility, assume it all, release the guilt and see the biggest picture.

@oumaimabodach